In a week’s worth of WTF’s, I will happily post a few that have come to mind. And then I will go light a sparkler in the front yard to ward off the evil spirits and say happy birthday to the good ole’ USA.
If I really had some gumption, I would put that sparkler right in my bunghole and wave it around for the passing neighbors and dog-walkers. Because I just love being woken up at 6:30am on a Saturday morning after a week from hell by a cute baby who wants to lay on the couch with a bottle watching “Baby Animal Songs” for the bazillionth time.
Here we go.
WTF List – July 2nd, 2011:
1. Alanis Morissette actually porked that guy from “Full House”. Dave something or other. That I know this and actually thought about it while in the bathroom is a definite WTF.
2. Those stick family stickers that people in Utah just love to put on their rear windows, letting you know how many kids that mom in the Suburban has pushed out of her vagina. Out here, most stick familes take up the whole length of the glass. The other day I saw one with a daddy, mommy, at least six children, two dogs, two cats, and a turtle. I think people should start putting their religious affiliations out there by adding a stick figure of Jesus, the Pope, Joseph Smith, or Buddha at the head of the family, hovering above daddy. That would be awesome.
3. Bachmann for President. Seriously, if this woman comes even close to being nominated I will lose a huge amount of faith in the general population’s intelligence. See the profile of her by Matt Taibbi in the latest Rolling Stone. I LOVE MATT TAIBBI.
4. Diaper wipe warmers. Come on, there are better ways to waste electrical power.
5. Sitting in first class on an airplane and not drinking free cocktails. They should be allowed to send those back to coach.
7. Quote (a few months ago) from a Canyons School District representative here in SLC: “We do not tolerate intolerance.”
8. Those wooden decorative bridges people put on their lawns…right in the middle of the grass. Where is this bridge going to? WTF??
9. Drew Barrymore was actually married to Tom Green.
10. People that shave off their eyebrows and then draw them back on. Do they want their eyebrows to look fake?
11. Bleached goatees.
12. Random hairs on a woman’s nipples. SO WRONG. Not that I have any.
13. Bumper stickers that read, “Keep Honking, I’m Reloading!”
14. Grandmas in bikinis with boob jobs. Like a car wreck, you can’t help but stare. Creepy.
16. The fact that my son has a dreamcatcher HANGING IN HIS BEDROOM.
Now go eat yourselves some hot dogs and hamburgers with your Schlitz beers and keep your kids’ fingers away from those firecracker fuses. Because fingers are useful for when people need to vote for someone that is NOT Michele Bachmann.
Happy 4th of July.