Last week when I had my semi-nervous breakdown, my cousin Amy decided that she should offer me a free Southwest Airlines pass to go visit her in Texas. Southlake, Texas, that is. Whenever I say that I always think of Southfork Ranch and the TV show “Dallas”. Which I don’t know much about, but my grandma sure loved it.
Of course I snatched up that ticket like a hipster being offered a free pair of horn-rimmed glasses. I am so so so so so so so excited to be away for three days and also just as excited to spend some time with my cousin. She’s my homegirl. My homegirl who wears a lot of pink and speaks with a heavy drawl and has a different themed Christmas tree in every room of her house. My cousin Amy also loves to try to shove whole chickens down her kitchen disposal just for fun. Long story.
While I am watching the clock and counting down the hours until my 7am flight, I am spending some time at Kimmie’s house drinking wine. She is making her oldest daughter dinner – which consists of Hebrew National hot dogs WITH THE SKINS PEELED OFF. Yes, this is her dinner EVERY NIGHT OF HER LIFE. Kimmie can skin a hot dog in ten seconds flat. Don’t ask. Poor Kimmie. This is part of the reason why we are drinking wine.
I am also watching Sloan try to feed Kimmie’s youngest. She is shoving Pirate’s Booty in the poor baby’s mouth faster than she can swallow that shit. Case in point:
This weekend we are going to watch a couple of soccer games that Amy’s youngest daughter, Alison, is playing in. She is like this amazing elite player who is just a junior in high school and has already committed to play for Texas A&M University. I think I will pack my cowboy hat and shit-kickers and somehow smuggle in a bottle of tequila to the games. And I will try my best not to call the opposing players hobags and rednecks and ball-stealing sluts. Because that would make my cousin Amy want to explain to her soccer mom friends that I am really not in my right mind at this point and time.
I have a bunch of free drink tickets from Southwest…but my flight is so early in the morning. Is it too pathetic to order a vodka/cranberry at 8am? Is it even more pathetic to put on my sound-canceling headphones and rap some old Dr. Dre very loudly to my plane neighbors?? I’m guessing not.