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Bachelorette Recap – Weeks 7 and 8

July 13, 2012 by 5 Comments

 

“The Bachelorette” Recap – We’re ALMOST there, people!

( two episodes mushed together in a mighty fine wad of love)

dinosaurs

“Emily!  I want to BONE you!!”

I’m gonna make this real short and sweet.   I’ve been bamboozled.  I’ve fallen for it.        I drank the Kool-Aid.

I’ve totally become wrapped up in who Emily Maynard is gonna pick as her betrothed.

And even worse, I find myself LIKING all these guys.  The delicious Kool-Aid has even made me think that all of them are nice dudes, that they would all make a perfect husband for Emily, and all of them could be stepdads of the year in 2013.  I even find myself wishing that Emily could just marry ALL THREE OF THEM because oh lordy wouldn’t that be awesome if she could come out as America’s first polygamous wife and put them all in the same house but on different levels and keep the party going??

This week our sweet Sean from Texas went home, and even though I was secretly glad she cut him I think I got a little teary-eyed when he was in the limo leaving whatever exotic island they were on.  He was crying and everything.  That poor sucker didn’t see the freight train coming.  WHAM.  Hit with an Emily Maynard surprise send off with his balls still laying on the tracks.

That’s when my television spewed out even more Kool-Aid and pheromones, because I was rolling on the couch hugging myself that UTAH’S OWN JEF IS IN THE FINAL TWO.  I skipped gleefully into the kitchen and shouted at my husband “Utah is in the final TWO!  Utah is in the final TWO!”

Which means that Emily Maynard and I might be neighbors soon!!  And that Jef might get to MARRY THE SHIT OUT OF EMILY just like he told her he would!!  Oh my gawd, I am just beside myself.

Brad still doesn’t understand what sort of final two Utah is in.  No matter.

Can I just tell you again how much I like Jef?  I want to pinch his cheeks and put sunscreen on his face and iron his skinny jeans and make him a turkey sandwich and all kinds of things like that.  He is just THAT CUTE.  I mean, Arie the racecar driver from Arizona is OK and everything, it’s not like I hate him and want to sit right in front of the TV screen screaming “GET RID OF HIM EMILY!”, but he has that crazy fucking Euro family who talked about Emily in a foreign language RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE.  And I bet you anything they were talking about her tits or something inappropriate like that.

So, I mean, Emily just needs to wrap up her make-out session with Arie and move on to some BABYMAKING WITH JEF.  I haven’t quite figured out if he’s a virgin or not, but I just KNOW he’s gonna be good at it.  Emily and Jef should consider doing Pay Per View for that freaky honeymoon of theirs, because I have my credit card waiting by the phone. 

*I did not just think that.  That is wrong.  WRONG.*

Damn Kool-Aid.

 

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Bachelorette Recap – Week 5

June 13, 2012 by Leave a Comment

OK, I’m just gonna put it out there right now.  You should probably go on over to Meg’s website and read her undoubtedly much better recap because the frigging remote control on my TV keeps putting week five’s episode BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

I’ve watched the FIRST HALF of this dumbass thing five times now and I’m about to climb the walls and hang from the ceiling.  By my fingernails.  Because that would feel a lot better than being faced with watching the first fifteen minutes of Emily and her boys in London AGAIN.  For god’s sake.  Help me.

Before I throw my frustrated self into bed (this whole ordeal has got me kinda riled up), I will hit you with my favorite moments from this week’s Bachelorette.

 

WEEK 5 – THE BACHELORETTE

1.  Chris, the host, telling all the dudes (as they were standing around some sort of London square) that they are well on their way to becoming Emily’s husband.  He says, “Yes!  I said it…HUSBAND.  Because that’s where this is all headed.”  In other words, DUDE GET OUT NOW IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA PONY UP AT THE ALTAR.

2.  Emily telling bachelor Sean, “Usually guys that look like you are really boring.  But you’re not boring!”  I’m sort of thinking that the only hot guys Emily sees on a regular basis are the meatheads working out at Gold’s gym.

3.  Bachelor Kalon telling the other bachelors, “If you’re a part of her (Emily’s) life, any date is gonna be a group date!”  He was referring to her child.  Not too nice, but honest?

4.  On their one-on-one date, Emily begins the baby talk with Sean.  More specifically, she tells him “I don’t wanna rush things, but I want a lot of kids.  Like yesterday.  How many kids do you want?” 

Then Sean sort of splutters out that two would be fine with him and Emily very directly tells him she wants at least four.  And then I think that Sean was imagining all the fun practice he might get trying to make four babies.  Lots of free deposits, if you know what I mean.

5.  The English seemed to like all of our crazy American fun…they enjoyed staring.

emily-in-england

 

6.  The best, BEST part of the night.  Emily declares she gets all “West Virginia hood rat” up in Kalon’s business when she finds out that he has called her daughter BAGGAGE.  She is furious.  She states that she wants to go in and rip his limbs off.  And she pops off with the F-bomb and tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT.

I think I sort of liked Emily at that moment.  Hood rats rock.

I would try to get all fancy and draw a funny cartoon of Kalon, but I’m lazy and it’s late.  Sorry.

 

7.  Now we come to the rose ceremony, and our second biggest loser of the day…Alejandro.  Poor Alejandro.  Bye-bye, dude.  We hardly knew you.

alejandro

 

I’m starting a betting pool, people.  Let’s bet on the odds that Emily’s fantasy suite during the final episode is decorated with coolers full of cold Coors light, a faux raft for a bed, live raccoons, a hot tub with flashing colors, and lots of pictures of babies in utero.  Now that’s ROMANCE.

Question for Meg at the Members Lounge – what KIND of mushrooms do you think Alejandro grows?  Just wondering.

Signing off until next Monday,

Piper – your Bachelorette expert

 

 

 

 

 

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