OK, I’m just gonna put it out there right now. You should probably go on over to Meg’s website and read her undoubtedly much better recap because the frigging remote control on my TV keeps putting week five’s episode BACK TO THE BEGINNING.
I’ve watched the FIRST HALF of this dumbass thing five times now and I’m about to climb the walls and hang from the ceiling. By my fingernails. Because that would feel a lot better than being faced with watching the first fifteen minutes of Emily and her boys in London AGAIN. For god’s sake. Help me.
Before I throw my frustrated self into bed (this whole ordeal has got me kinda riled up), I will hit you with my favorite moments from this week’s Bachelorette.
WEEK 5 – THE BACHELORETTE
1. Chris, the host, telling all the dudes (as they were standing around some sort of London square) that they are well on their way to becoming Emily’s husband. He says, “Yes! I said it…HUSBAND. Because that’s where this is all headed.” In other words, DUDE GET OUT NOW IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA PONY UP AT THE ALTAR.
2. Emily telling bachelor Sean, “Usually guys that look like you are really boring. But you’re not boring!” I’m sort of thinking that the only hot guys Emily sees on a regular basis are the meatheads working out at Gold’s gym.
3. Bachelor Kalon telling the other bachelors, “If you’re a part of her (Emily’s) life, any date is gonna be a group date!” He was referring to her child. Not too nice, but honest?
4. On their one-on-one date, Emily begins the baby talk with Sean. More specifically, she tells him “I don’t wanna rush things, but I want a lot of kids. Like yesterday. How many kids do you want?”
Then Sean sort of splutters out that two would be fine with him and Emily very directly tells him she wants at least four. And then I think that Sean was imagining all the fun practice he might get trying to make four babies. Lots of free deposits, if you know what I mean.
5. The English seemed to like all of our crazy American fun…they enjoyed staring.
6. The best, BEST part of the night. Emily declares she gets all “West Virginia hood rat” up in Kalon’s business when she finds out that he has called her daughter BAGGAGE. She is furious. She states that she wants to go in and rip his limbs off. And she pops off with the F-bomb and tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT.
I think I sort of liked Emily at that moment. Hood rats rock.
I would try to get all fancy and draw a funny cartoon of Kalon, but I’m lazy and it’s late. Sorry.
7. Now we come to the rose ceremony, and our second biggest loser of the day…Alejandro. Poor Alejandro. Bye-bye, dude. We hardly knew you.
I’m starting a betting pool, people. Let’s bet on the odds that Emily’s fantasy suite during the final episode is decorated with coolers full of cold Coors light, a faux raft for a bed, live raccoons, a hot tub with flashing colors, and lots of pictures of babies in utero. Now that’s ROMANCE.
Question for Meg at the Members Lounge – what KIND of mushrooms do you think Alejandro grows? Just wondering.
Signing off until next Monday,
Piper – your Bachelorette expert