There is a definite hotness heirarchy when it comes to the Wiggles.

I know this.  I know this because my daughter asks to watch the Wiggles at least twice a day.  Any woman with half a sex drive who has watched more than three episodes of this show ranks these guys.  I KNOW THEY DO.

Jeff, Murray,Greg, and Anthony.  Sorry fellas, things aren’t exactly equal in the land of Wiggle.

One thing the Wiggles do in their TV shows is play up their own special interests or hobbies…like Murray is the tall music teacher guy, Greg is the one who sings the lead in most of their songs, Anthony likes to eat and do crafty things, and Jeff is the Asian who always sleeps.  (What?!)

I mean, that’s strange to me.  His hobby is sleeping?  I sort of wish the sleepy purple Wiggle had picked an interesting pasttime, like licking metal things or eating styrofoam.  That would definitely raise his interest quotient a notch, at least in my eyes, because that makes him a little kinky.

Back to the hotness ranking.  Let’s just say they fall into a pretty easy order.  From hottest to the least sexy Wiggle cast member, here we go with their rankings:

 

1)  Blue Wiggle – Anthony.  He sure as hell doesn’t look like this on my DVD’s.

HOTNESS SCORE: 9.5

 

2)  Yellow Wiggle – Greg.  He can sing, has straight teeth, and his hair isn’t too bad.

HOTNESS SCORE: 8

 

3)  Captain Feathersword and Henry the Octopus.  TIED.  Captain Feathersword waves around a huge French-tickler thing but has a very annoying habit of shouting, “Ahoy, maties!” – and Henry the Octopus has eight hands.  All I can say is that eight hands might be more fun than two.

HOTNESS SCORE: 4

 

4)  Red Wiggle – Murray.  OK, OK…things are going downhill pretty quickly.  Murray is pretty gangly and goofy, but he at least has some height and he might croon to you with his guitar.

HOTNESS SCORE: 3

 

5)  Purple Wiggle – Jeff Fatt.  Dude, I’m not going to insult, but he’s always pretending to be asleep and he’s short as hell.  Either that or all the other Wiggles are at least 6’3″.

HOTNESS SCORE: 2

 

6)  Dead last – Dorothy the Dinosaur.  That giggling bitch kills me.

HOTNESS SCORE: 0

 

You don’t have to tell me that this post is a little pathetic or that most mothers probably aren’t ranking the Wiggles in the order of their sex appeal.  Maybe they’re not.

BUT QUITE POSSIBLY THEY ARE.

I think after the kids tire of all their dumb songs, the Wiggles should create a new tour like those stripper guys of the Thunder From Down Under.  Now I’d pay thirty bucks to see that shit.