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I’m Smart Like That

March 1, 2012 by 4 Comments

My conversation with Brad about 20 minutes ago, and proof that I should not allowed to have access to more than one personal or social website.  

BRAD:  (comes in the door from work)  Heeeyyyyy!!  You like teasing me, don’t you?

ME:  Huh?

BRAD:  That thing on Facebook a little while ago.

ME:  OH.  Yeah.  That.  God, that was weird.

BRAD:  And now I’m friends on Facebook with Heidi O’D.

ME:  Well, I will explain.  I went on to Facebook, and since the last time you used the computer you hadn’t logged out, so it took me into Facebook on your account, which I didn’t notice.  And then I was looking at the “home” page and it said something about a picture that I supposedly posted.  The picture was of your stupid jar of morning smoothie, and I was slightly confused and then I just thought…”Oh, he tagged me or something”…

BRAD:  That’s really odd.  Because I haven’t been on that computer in a long time.

ME:  That shows you that I haven’t been on the computer in at least a week, and it proves that I’m not just making things up when I bitch about the fact that our 2-year old will not allow me to look at a computer screen.

BRAD:  Whatever.

ME:  OK, anyway…I continued on Facebook just looking around and then the “friend finder” on the right side of the page was suggesting that I might know Heidi O’D.  Then I got really confused, because I’M LIKE ALREADY FRIENDS WITH HER.  So, my first thought is “WAH!  Heidi O’D, she unfriended me!!!  What the hell??  WHAT DID I DO TO OFFEND??”  And then I sent her a friend request.

BRAD:  Oh.  So that’s why I just got a text saying that Heidi O’D. accepted my friend request.

ME:  Then I continued on and posted a link to my blog and status update bitching about what a long week I’ve had.  I also put a snarky comment next to your picture of the breakfast smoothie.  Then after all this I FINALLY REALIZED I WAS LOGGED IN UNDER YOUR ACCOUNT.  I’m such a retard.  God.  Anyway.

(lull in conversation…I’m staring at the laptop)

BRAD:  What’s so funny?  Why are you laughing?

ME:  Oh, nothing.

BRAD:  Whaaaat??

ME:  I’m just reading something funny.  The Bloggess.  Funny.  I need to Tweet her a picture of me holding a whisk.  I just need to figure out how to do that.

Queen tard

 

Filed Under: Random Acts of Tard, Things I Love a Little Too Much Tagged With: , ,

Another Conversation

November 22, 2011 by 5 Comments

SCENE:  My husband and yours truly, driving home from a very fun and special birthday party for one of my clients…after my husband freaks out that we are 15 minutes late relieving the babysitter and me reassuring him that she is not going to run out the front door at 8:30pm.

PIPER:  (checking her cell phone) oooohhh!!  I got a direct message from Bossy on Twitter!!  Yay!!

BRAD:  Bossy.  Who is  Bossy?

PIPER:  oh, come on.  You’ve heard me talk about Bossy.  Her real name is Georgia Getz.   She’s one of my favorite bloggers.  She’s like from the East Coast or somwhere near that and she’s really funny and she always talks about herself in the third person.

BRAD:  Ummm.  Yeah.  She’s from Georgia?

PIPER:  NO.  HER NAME IS GEORGIA.  And she has this blog – her website – called www.iambossy.com.  Oh, come on.  You’ve heard me talk about it!  Don’t you remember!?  www.iambossy.com !!  Seriously.

BRAD:  I guess.  What does she write about?

PIPER:  Oh, god.  I don’t know.  Like funny pop culture kinds of things and she has this really distinct style and she draws funny pictures or writes on pictures…I don’t know how or what kind of program…Word?  or Illustrator?  I have no idea.  And she also writes funny stuff about her non-husband, you know, the husband she is separated from but lives like three doors down from.  They’re not divorced, so she calls him her non-husband.  But it’s good, because they still kind of hang out or date or something, and her kids are older…like 14 and 19 or something like that.  Her son is in South America for study abroad or something.  And she also writes about, oh…I don’t know…like adopting pets from the shelter or going to Blondie concerts or being busy at her new non-job…

BRAD:  Oh.  Yeah.  Which reminds me…do you know how sad it is that your kids will never experience the love of owning or adopting a dog?  They will probably never get that experience.  That’s so sad.

PIPER:  GOD.  Yeah, well dogs stink.  They smell and they shed.  We’ve talked about this many times.  And they shit all over your grass.  That’s so GROSS.

BRAD:  Yes, well your kids are going to grow up and have no good memories of having a pet.  No good memories.  That’s sad.

PIPER:  What are you talking about??  They have CATS.  We have pets.

BRAD:  Yes, but they’ll never know the joy of having a dog.  That’s so sad.

PIPER:  Whatever, Brad.  Like you can list off so many great memories of your childhood dog.  Or dogs.  Or whatever.  You hardly remember their names.

BRAD:  I remember their names.  Don’t you have any good memories of you childhood dogs?

PIPER:  Well, the only memory that comes to mind is me taking the laborador Luna for a run when she was still a puppy, and then she started acting all strange and I tried to keep running and then she stopped and waddled and SHIT ALL OVER THE ROAD.

BRAD:   That’s because you have no instinct about dogs.  You didn’t know what she wanted.

PIPER:  Whatever.  She was a crazy puppy and I thought she was just trying to smell other dogs’ pee or something.  That is not a great memory.  And I still feel guilty because she gave me this pathetic look while she was walking and crapping at the same time.

BRAD:  Oh, come on.  Don’t you tell funny stories about that Great Dane, Reagan, you had as a kid??

PIPER:  Now that dog was funny.  Yes.  She was batshit.  And really smart.

BRAD:  SEE??  DON’T OUR KIDS DESERVE THOSE MEMORIES, TOO??

PIPER:  Whatever, Brad.  Seriously.  When Beatty and Sloan get into college, they will have some dumb girlfriend or boyfriend and they will adopt some stupid dog together while they are playing house and living together, and then when they break up ten months later, they will decide who gets to keep the damn dog for ten more years.

BRAD:  geez…*snort*…

PIPER:  And I will tell you what, BRAD TOLAND.  Beatty will be the one that keeps that fucking dog, and Sloan will be the one that says, SEE YA LATER…YOU FEED THE DAMN THING AND PICK UP ITS TURDS.  I’m not kidding you.  She will be out the door quicker than lightning.  So that will be plenty of dog-owning experiences for them.  They will never forget that shit.  And essentially they will still be kids when they get those dogs.

BRAD:  You’re crazy.

PIPER:  Yeah, whatever.  But you know I’m right.

 

Filed Under: Sometimes I Just Need to Vent, Ways I Embarrass My Family Tagged With: , , ,

Morning Conversation

November 11, 2011 by 1 Comment

SCENE:  Brad has toast in the toaster oven for the children.  Piper stumbles into the kitchen, looking for coffee.  She just woke up.

Piper:  BRAD.  *holds up fake butter tub*  This is old.  We never use this.  It’s disgusting.  LOOK, THERE IS MOLD ON IT.  Please don’t feed this to our children.

Brad:  The mold is just on the sides.  It’s fine.

Piper:  *throwing fake butter tub in trash*  GROSS.  UGH.

Brad:  My mom always had a tub of Country Crock spread around our house.  Mmmmm, mmmm.  Good stuff!

Piper:  I think your mom bought that Shedd’s Spread just because it said “country” on the label.  I think that word made her feel comfortable.

Piper:  *considering Bailey’s Irish Cream near the coffee maker*  That tub margarine/butter/spread stuff is so gross.  It’s just a bunch of fakeness and chemicals.

Brad:  Oh yeah!  There was always a big old tub of that in our house.  We also always had a green can of parmesan cheese.

Piper:  Actually, your people called it PAR-MEE-SUN.  Remember?  *Brad looks confused and obviously does not remember this*  Remember???  *Piper snorts to herself*

Piper:  Do you know what that stuff is made of?  CELLULOSE.  Do you know what that is?  Paper.  A tree.  So you probably still have a gut full of cellullose.

Brad:  Yeah Piper, I’m basically lucky I survived.

THIS IS ANOTHER SAD EXAMPLE OF WHY IT IS APPROPRIATE TO GIVE PIPER THIRTY MINUTES TO CONSUME CAFFEINE BEFORE SPEAKING TO HER IN THE MORNINGS.

 

Filed Under: Ways I Embarrass My Family Tagged With: ,
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