Alright, everyone…take a deep breath.
Here we are, already at week 32 six of The Bachelorette, or as we like to call it around here, “Emily’s Quest for a Healthy, Virile, Baby-Making Machine!”
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m actually coming around to liking Emily Maynard. She’s grown on me. Meg, my friend over at The Member’s Lounge, likes her too. I think. (Wait…Meg calls her Scarlett O’Hara. Is that bad?? Does that mean she irritates Meg??) Meg is also kind enough to agree to answer the burning questions I have regarding Emily and her slew of lovely lads. I like to think of Meg as my own personal Miss Cleo, predicting the future – without the turban. Remember…we watch the show SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. We’re nice like that.
I missed posting last week because I was on a much-needed vacation and having an early celebration of my 40th birthday. Grand Cayman treated me right. I sat my 40-year old ass on the beach and drank lots of frozen concoctions and sang many raucous songs about how happy I am that I’m NOT Emily Maynard – because baby, these ovaries and uterus are DONE. No more pregnant bellies, no more vaginal tears, no more stitches in the lady garden, no more breast feeding, no more newborns waking up every two hours to eat…WAIT, WHY AM I CRYING NOW???
Here is the only thing I want to say about Week 5 and my non-existent recap: RYAN IS GONE.
Praise the Lord, thank you Baby Jesus, ding-dong the witch is dead!!!
The best, best, best part about week five was when Emily was telling Ryan (on a one-on-one date) that she was
regretfully letting him go. And then he argued with her for fifteen minutes about how she was making a mistake because he is so awesome and how shocked he was at her dismissal. SEE YA, CHUMP. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass!
This Monday we were down to six bachelors. Two get sent home. Instead of my top ten moments, I’m going to give you my top moments for each one of the poor schmucks.
Let’s begin with Arie. Arie seems to me to be a pretty genuine dude. He doesn’t irritate me, and Emily seems to like making out with him a lot. He’s a professional race car driver (kind of weird, since her dead fiancée was in the same field of work…), not too studly, not too needy. A good balance. Arie’s best moment this week was his confession to Emily that he has some other girl’s name tattooed on his body. And that girl just happened to be one of the producers of the show. Ummm…awkward?
Piper says at least the tattoo isn’t ON HIS PENIS.
MEG - is there anything besides swapped spit and a physical attraction that Emily and Arie will share??
Next up, Sean. Sean was one of the guys that Emily’s friends were REALLY into. Sort of for her, and sort of for themselves. Remember her strange, horny friend that forced good-boy Sean to take off his shirt and do push-ups for her?? Jeez.
Sean had a moment in this last episode where he was running and “searching” the streets of Prague for Emily after she dropped Wolf off for the night. Yeah, right. Like he had no help whatsoever from all the filming assistants standing around. He made it fairly believable, though. He was searching for Emily because he just couldn’t go for a whole night and NOT MACK ON SEE HER. Then they went to a small cafe for a drink and made out. I liken this whole moment to a dog marking its territory. Sean totally whizzed on his property.
MEG – I get the feeling that Sean’s family are real Midwestern Bible beaters. Non? Do you think Emily’s gonna love this or be a little turned off?
Next we have Doug. Poor Dougie. He is definitely the Bachelorette’s biggest loser this week. He didn’t even see his elimination coming. PLEASE, DOUG. It’s been like WEEKS and your lips haven’t even grazed Emily’s!! Absolutely no chemistry here. I think Emily was keeping him around because he seems like a great single dad and he’s nice looking and all…but when she finally came to the conclusion that Doug’s boner was in serious question, she was done. She pulled him into a corner of a castle in Prague and told him that it was time to “go home and be with his cute son”. How’s that for a send-off?
I’m going to make this statement about Chris real short. CHRIS, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. He’s just too young, inexperienced, and needy for me. Hopefully for Emily too. I think she should have sent him packing this week…all the tears and the regrets and the whining made me a bit crazy.
Saving the best for last, we come to Utah’s very own Jef. MY HOMEBOY.
I kinda like bachelor Jef. He’s very obviously not a player, not a barfly, a little different from the other guys, and comes from a very close family. But wait. Let’s stop for a moment. Can I just say that this family is VERY obviously Mormon?? Jef told Emily that if she chooses him for a hometown visit that she will meet his six other brothers and sisters, but she won’t meet his parents because they have “commitments” in North Carolina for “a few years”, and his sister is “in China”.
To anyone from Utah, that screams MORMON MISSION. (Yes, married older couples go on them, too.)
Not that this is bad or insurmountable or anything, but I wonder if there has been any conversation between Jef and Emily about family backgrounds and faith or WHATEVER. Because when he asked her when she wanted to have more kids and she replied (again) “like yesterday”, he was totally fine with that and actually pretty jazzed. Dude is READY TO PROCREATE!
My absolute favorite moment with Jef during this episode is when he and Emily put on a puppet show together, acting out their first awkward moments together. I was hooting and laughing out loud. And then Jef (with his eyes cast shyly downward) tells the Emily puppet that she’s amazing and he loves her. AWWWW. And then they reclined on the floor and Jef says, “I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you!”.
That is pure Utah romance, people. This makes the chicks out here get all hot and bothered.
MEG: Did you notice this surprising twist with Jef? Did the Mormon issue occur to you? Do you think Emily cares? Or will she convert and get married in an LDS temple and wear awesome underwear?? But really, Meg…how COOL IS JEF??
I totally hope he wins.
Until next week, here’s to happy swooning and getting out there and marrying the SHIT out of someone. Cheers!
PS – it’s not a mistake that I forgot about Wolf. There wasn’t much to say. Sorry, Wolf.