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Bachelorette Recap – Week 6

June 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Alright, everyone…take a deep breath.

Here we are, already at week 32 six of The Bachelorette, or as we like to call it around here, “Emily’s Quest for a Healthy, Virile, Baby-Making Machine!”

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m actually coming around to liking Emily Maynard.  She’s grown on me.  Meg, my friend over at The Member’s Lounge, likes her too.  I think.  (Wait…Meg calls her Scarlett O’Hara.  Is that bad??  Does that mean she irritates Meg??)  Meg is also kind enough to agree to answer the burning questions I have regarding Emily and her slew of lovely lads.  I like to think of Meg as my own personal Miss Cleo, predicting the future – without the turban.  Remember…we watch the show SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.  We’re nice like that.

emily

I missed posting last week because I was on a much-needed vacation and having an early celebration of my 40th birthday.  Grand Cayman treated me right.  I sat my 40-year old ass on the beach and drank lots of frozen concoctions and sang many raucous songs about how happy I am that I’m NOT Emily Maynard – because baby, these ovaries and uterus are DONE.  No more pregnant bellies, no more vaginal tears, no more stitches in the lady garden, no more breast feeding, no more newborns waking up every two hours to eat…WAIT, WHY AM I CRYING NOW???

Anyhow.

Here is the only thing I want to say about Week 5 and my non-existent recap:  RYAN IS GONE.

Praise the Lord, thank you Baby Jesus, ding-dong the witch is dead!!!

ryan

The best, best, best part about week five was when Emily was telling Ryan (on a one-on-one date) that she was regretfully letting him go.  And then he argued with her for fifteen minutes about how she was making a mistake because he is so awesome and how shocked he was at her dismissal.  SEE YA, CHUMP.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass!

This Monday we were down to six bachelors.  Two get sent home.  Instead of my top ten moments, I’m going to give you my top moments for each one of the poor schmucks.

 

arie

Let’s begin with Arie.  Arie seems to me to be a pretty genuine dude.  He doesn’t irritate me, and Emily seems to like making out with him a lot.  He’s a professional race car driver (kind of weird, since her dead fiancée was in the same field of work…), not too studly, not too needy.  A good balance.  Arie’s best moment this week was his confession to Emily that he has some other girl’s name tattooed on his body.  And that girl just happened to be one of the producers of the show.  Ummm…awkward?

Piper says at least the tattoo isn’t ON HIS PENIS.

MEG - is there anything besides swapped spit and a physical attraction that Emily and Arie will share??

 

sean

Next up, Sean.  Sean was one of the guys that Emily’s friends were REALLY into.  Sort of for her, and sort of for themselves.  Remember her strange, horny friend that forced good-boy Sean to take off his shirt and do push-ups for her??  Jeez.

Sean had a moment in this last episode where he was running and “searching” the streets of Prague for Emily after she dropped Wolf off for the night.  Yeah, right.  Like he had no help whatsoever from all the filming assistants standing around.  He made it fairly believable, though.  He was searching for Emily because he just couldn’t go for a whole night and NOT MACK ON SEE HER.  Then they went to a small cafe for a drink and made out.  I liken this whole moment to a dog marking its territory.  Sean totally whizzed on his property.

MEG – I get the feeling that Sean’s family are real Midwestern Bible beaters.  Non?  Do you think Emily’s gonna love this or be a little turned off?

 

doug-001

Next we have Doug.  Poor Dougie.  He is definitely the Bachelorette’s biggest loser this week.  He didn’t even see his elimination coming.  PLEASE, DOUG.  It’s been like WEEKS and your lips haven’t even grazed Emily’s!!  Absolutely no chemistry here.  I think Emily was keeping him around because he seems like a great single dad and he’s nice looking and all…but when she finally came to the conclusion that Doug’s boner was in serious question, she was done.  She pulled him into a corner of a castle in Prague and told him that it was time to “go home and be with his cute son”.  How’s that for a send-off?

 

chris-bachelor

I’m going to make this statement about Chris real short.  CHRIS, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED.  He’s just too young, inexperienced, and needy for me.  Hopefully for Emily too.  I think she should have sent him packing this week…all the tears and the regrets and the whining made me a bit crazy.

 

jef

Saving the best for last, we come to Utah’s very own Jef.  MY HOMEBOY.

I kinda like bachelor Jef.  He’s very obviously not a player, not a barfly, a little different from the other guys, and comes from a very close family.  But wait.  Let’s stop for a moment.  Can I just say that this family is VERY obviously Mormon??  Jef told Emily that if she chooses him for a hometown visit that she will meet his six other brothers and sisters, but she won’t meet his parents because they have “commitments” in North Carolina for “a few years”, and his sister is “in China”.

To anyone from Utah, that screams MORMON MISSION.  (Yes, married older couples go on them, too.)

Not that this is bad or insurmountable or anything, but I wonder if there has been any conversation between Jef and Emily about family backgrounds and faith or WHATEVER.  Because when he asked her when she wanted to have more kids and she replied (again) “like yesterday”, he was totally fine with that and actually pretty jazzed.  Dude is READY TO PROCREATE!

My absolute favorite moment with Jef during this episode is when he and Emily put on a puppet show together, acting out their first awkward moments together.  I was hooting and laughing out loud.  And then Jef (with his eyes cast shyly downward) tells the Emily puppet that she’s amazing and he loves her.  AWWWW.  And then they reclined on the floor and Jef says, “I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you!”.

That is pure Utah romance, people.  This makes the chicks out here get all hot and bothered.

 

MEG:  Did you notice this surprising twist with Jef?  Did the Mormon issue occur to you?  Do you think Emily cares?  Or will she convert and get married in an LDS temple and wear awesome underwear??  But really, Meg…how COOL IS JEF??

I totally hope he wins.

Until next week, here’s to happy swooning and getting out there and marrying the SHIT out of someone.  Cheers!

 

PS – it’s not a mistake that I forgot about Wolf.  There wasn’t much to say.  Sorry, Wolf.

 

 

 

 

 

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Bachelorette Recap – Week Four

June 7, 2012 by 1 Comment

Another week in Emily’s quest for a husband/sperm donor/baby daddy!!  Emily feels like she is getting “real” and wants the guys to tell her their deepest, darkest secrets.

Because she is more than willing to tell them hers.  They are pretty deep, ya’ll.

 

emily-and-boys-sailing

 

Actually, this week’s episode seemed pretty tame, except when Emily got all hot and bothered because Utah Jef didn’t make out with her on the beach.  Instead, he stared meaningfully into her eyes and murmured, “Should we go back now?”.  I laughed out loud at Emily’s obvious sexual frustration.

 

Top 10 Moments of “The Bachelorette” WEEK FOUR:

(Slim pickings this week, guys…I’m serious.)

1)  Emily declaring, “Maybe the next time I come back to Bermuda I’ll be pregnant, or pushing a baby stroller!”

2)  Doug’s lack of humor when the other guys in the house try to tease him a little…

3)  …and then Arie imitating Doug in the confessional room by saying, “Doug is like the Hulk.  Doug ANGRY!  Doug SMASH!  Doug SAAAADDD.”  Pretty funny.  A little teasing of the meat-heads never hurts.

4)  Emily walking through some stone archway in Bermuda called “The Moon Gate”.  She claims that by tradition the couple is supposed to make a wish as they pass through…and then during her interview she tells her wish – “to not be single forever“.  SHOCKING and STUNNING!

5)  Emily asks Doug about his flaws.  This is what he came up with:  “I spend too much time with my son.  Oh, and I didn’t wash my ex-girlfriend’s car enough”.

I think Doug forgot to add:  He doesn’t drink organic coffee, he doesn’t trim his pubic hair, he doesn’t walk his dog every day, he doesn’t wipe the counter after he makes toast, he has less than 100 volunteer hours at the local rest home, and he didn’t bake his postman cookies at Christmas time.

6)  Emily declares: “I haaaate watching guys compete!”  Ummm, isn’t this the basis of the TV show you are starring in??

7)  Bachelor Ryan:  “God designed you to be a beautiful woman.  So be a beautiful woman.”  Right then I wished out loud that Emily would rip a huge, juicy fart.

8)  Bachelor Ryan (again):  “Cheers to a beautiful trophy…wife.” 

9)  Bachelor Ryan (once more):  “I’m not here to impress you – I’m here to make an impression ON you.” 

10)  Bachelor Ryan (omg, please shut up already):  “I was praying for you before coming on the show that you would use the show to impact tons and tons of people by being classy and making good choices.”  WTF?  Is this guy Billy Graham now??

bachelor-ryan-001

 

 

WINNER OF THE WEEK:

Bachelor Jef – from UTAH (give a shout out to Piper’s homeboy)

bachelor-jef

LOSER OF THE WEEK:

Bachelor Charlie.  (She booted him out before the mushroom farmer with both ears pierced?  Wow.)

bachelor-charlie

QUESTIONS for the MEMBERS LOUNGE:

1)  What the hell is the story behind bachelor John “Wolf” whatshisname?  What is up with this nickname, and if they are showing it onscreen, why are the guys NOT calling him Wolf??  Please explain.

2)  Let’s start the betting:  Odds on Emily getting down and dirty with her final two bachelors?

3)  …as well as the odds that at the final rose ceremony Emily and her new fiancee will ceremoniously burn a box of condoms before they head up to their hotel room?

 

 

 

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Bachelorette Recap – Episode Three

June 3, 2012 by 2 Comments

My blogger friend Meg over at The Members Lounge has agreed to a fun and wacky summer project with me.  This project will involve watching all the episodes of “The Bachelorette” and drinking lots of gin.  At least I will be drinking lots of gin.  It makes watching mind-numbing shows like The Bachelorette much more fun.

We will watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights so you don’t have to.  See how we are always thinking of our readers?  If you want to watch, go ahead, but don’t play any silly drinking games like taking a shot every time Emily plays with her hair because dude, YOU WILL BE WASTED.

Emily is the girl who fell in love with the Texas bar-owner Brad Womack who was the star of The Bachelor a few seasons ago.  She’s a single mom who had a baby at like age nineteen, and her husband (boyfriend?) was a race car driver who died in a plane crash.  Very tragic.  Anyhow, Brad Womack chose Emily and proposed to her and then things fell apart within a year of the show ending.  I imagine that Brad was not ready to grow up and stop screwing bar flies be a daddy, since Emily has made it very clear to the new crop of men that her life goal is to push out lots more babies and be a mommy and bake chocolate chip cookies and be married forever and ever and ever.

Meg mentioned in her blog that Emily reminds her of Scarlett O’Hara.  I will agree with her for the most part, because the ya’lls are there and the accent is there, but I will add that Emily is Scarlett O’Hara with huge white veneers and very short shorts.

Emily said in this last episode that she “doesn’t have many talents” but that she is a good mom.  Which made me sort of snort and barf into my gin and tonic.  PLEASE, EMILY, don’t do this to me.  JESUS.  I don’t know where to start with this statement.  It’s just wrong.  Being a mom and surviving it ALONE is a huge talent.  So there.

Meg and I have decided to post our top ten moments from each episode of the Bachelorette, as well as nominate a winner and loser of the week.  We will also pose a few questions to each other since our spouses understandably refuse to watch this show with us and there undoubtedly will be many questions in our minds after each Monday night love-fest.  I guess we will answer each other’s questions in each subsequent post.  You get to compare our top ten moments, and if more than four match up in any given week, you win a FREE MINIATURE PONY!

I’m kidding.  I probably won’t send you a miniature pony.  But I’m into prizes, so if you play the game I might send you something.

Let’s get going since I’m already two weeks behind on this.  Which shouldn’t surprise you.

 

TOP 10 MOMENTS FROM THE BACHELORETTE – EPISODE THREE:

1)  One bachelor lets his freak flag fly by saying, “She looks unbelievable in a harness.  I mean, I don’t think anyone can wear a harness better than she’s wearing it right now!” – bachelor Chris (and closet bondage enthusiast), age 25

2)  The directors of the show make me want to vomit by having Emily’s mom serve her a healthy, low-carb breakfast in bed.

3)  Toward the end of the episode, Oompa Loompa bachelor Alessandro stumbles all over himself when trying to explain that being a father to Emily’s daughter would be “a compromise”.

alessandro

 

4)  Her friend Wendy (who happens to give the best dirty looks ever) asks the bachelor nicknamed “Wolf” if he’s ever cheated on a girl.  And he pauses soooo long before he says “no” that she immediately announces, “You’re OUTTA HERE.”  Then he hangs his head in shame.

5)  Emily’s friend Wendy (her again) drooling over bachelor Sean.  She makes him take off his shirt.  She makes him do push-ups while she sits on his back.  She asks him what his superpower would be and then tells him he’d look good in a cape.  Wendy totally wants to give Sean a test-drive for Emily.

6)  Bachelor Stevie (a “party MC”…is that a DJ?) doing the pop and lock for Emily’s girlfriends at the park.  This guy is a joke.  Why the hell is he still around??

7)  Emily saying that Dollywood is her “happiest place on Earth”.  Dolly Parton’s boobies agree.

emily-and-dolly

 

8)  Bachelor Kalon getting intellectually snippy with Emily at the final cocktail party and telling her, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Wow.  What a dumbass.

9)  Emily feeling sorry for bachelor Tony who was missing his 5-year old son and crying into his beer about it all.  He did this so often she finally sat him down and gently sent him home.  And he didn’t seem to understand what she was doing, but thank God she did because there was NO sexual chemistry there.  I mean, I’m sure he’s a great dad, but he reeked of strange to me.

10)  Over-confident bachelor Ryan telling Emily she’d better not get fat after they get married.  Because he would “still love her, but not love on her” as much.  This guy is really a piece of work.  He needs to take his hair gel and muscles and skeedaddle.  He’s a tool.

WINNER OF THE WEEK:

It’s a toss-up between bachelor Arie (who escorted Emily to Dollywood and got some good make-out time during this episode) and bachelor Sean (who impressed her friends, won a date rose, and said the right thing about Emily’s daughter after Alessandro was booted out).

LOSER OF THE WEEK: 

Bachelor Alessandro would be an obvious pick, but I’m going to pick bachelor Kalon since things were going pretty well for him until he opened his haughty dumb-ass mouth and said the comment to Emily I mentioned above.  The other guys don’t like this dude and even though Emily is attracted to him I think his days are numbered.

 

QUESTIONS FOR MEG at THE MEMBERS CLUB:

1)  What the hell is the story with the dude who kept carrying around a huge egg?  I don’t get it.  What did I miss in the first episode about this?  SO STRANGE.

2)  How many more outdoor country music concerts do you think the producers will round-up for this season?  Because Emily needs to stand on the streets of Charleston and slow-dance a little bit more.

3)  How do you suppose Emily supports herself and her daughter??  Because I get the impression that she is just a stay-at-home mom…

4)  What do you think of bachelor Jef from Utah?  The one with the crazy pompadour?  I gotta root him on a little since he’s my hometown guy.  Even though his parents were smoking crack when they spelled his name that way.  Seriously.  That’s such an embarrassing Utah thing.

 

 

 

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