“The Bachelorette” Recap – We’re ALMOST there, people!
( two episodes mushed together in a mighty fine wad of love)
“Emily! I want to BONE you!!”
I’m gonna make this real short and sweet. I’ve been bamboozled. I’ve fallen for it. I drank the Kool-Aid.
I’ve totally become wrapped up in who Emily Maynard is gonna pick as her betrothed.
And even worse, I find myself LIKING all these guys. The delicious Kool-Aid has even made me think that all of them are nice dudes, that they would all make a perfect husband for Emily, and all of them could be stepdads of the year in 2013. I even find myself wishing that Emily could just marry ALL THREE OF THEM because oh lordy wouldn’t that be awesome if she could come out as America’s first polygamous wife and put them all in the same house but on different levels and keep the party going??
This week our sweet Sean from Texas went home, and even though I was secretly glad she cut him I think I got a little teary-eyed when he was in the limo leaving whatever exotic island they were on. He was crying and everything. That poor sucker didn’t see the freight train coming. WHAM. Hit with an Emily Maynard surprise send off with his balls still laying on the tracks.
That’s when my television spewed out even more Kool-Aid and pheromones, because I was rolling on the couch hugging myself that UTAH’S OWN JEF IS IN THE FINAL TWO. I skipped gleefully into the kitchen and shouted at my husband “Utah is in the final TWO! Utah is in the final TWO!”
Which means that Emily Maynard and I might be neighbors soon!! And that Jef might get to MARRY THE SHIT OUT OF EMILY just like he told her he would!! Oh my gawd, I am just beside myself.
Brad still doesn’t understand what sort of final two Utah is in. No matter.
Can I just tell you again how much I like Jef? I want to pinch his cheeks and put sunscreen on his face and iron his skinny jeans and make him a turkey sandwich and all kinds of things like that. He is just THAT CUTE. I mean, Arie
the racecar driver from Arizona is OK and everything, it’s not like I hate him and want to sit right in front of the TV screen screaming “GET RID OF HIM EMILY!”, but he has that crazy fucking Euro family who talked about Emily in a foreign language RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE. And I bet you anything they were talking about her tits or something inappropriate like that.
So, I mean, Emily just needs to wrap up her make-out session with Arie and move on to some BABYMAKING WITH JEF. I haven’t quite figured out if he’s a virgin or not, but I just KNOW he’s gonna be good at it.
Emily and Jef should consider doing Pay Per View for that freaky honeymoon of theirs, because I have my credit card waiting by the phone.
*I did not just think that. That is wrong. WRONG.*