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Her Ace in the Hole

...rarely relevant, sometimes cheeky, almost honest.

Example #386 – How Piper Has A Big Mouth

August 7, 2013 By ace 4 Comments

So, I was at my dentist’s office yesterday getting my teeth cleaned, and when the doc came over to check out my pearls, we were talking about a bunch of nothing…then I happened to mention how I just wanted to go home and curl up on my bed with Netflix for the rest of the night and he says,

“You’re so WEIRD.”

And I’m like, HOW IS THAT WEIRD??

Because in my mind, who wouldn’t want to curl up on their bed and watch all thirteen episodes of “Orange is the New Black”??

He is the weird one for instead wanting to get on his bike and ride 100 miles.  I freaking love that show.  It has consumed me for the past week.  Not just because the main character is named Piper, even though that was a shocking and pleasant surprise.  That’s a very, very tiny reason why I’ve been glued to my Nook and my children haven’t had a decent meal in two days.

 

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When we finish with my checkup, he walks me up to the front desk to the receptionist.  I happen to very innocently and curiously ask him what his mother looked like (she passed away a while back), and maybe he was feeling like a smart guy and said,

“Well, have you ever seen The Cosby Show?”.

To which I tell him that he is a dork and to shut up.  Because that shit really isn’t funny.

THEN, funny-guy dentist tells the receptionist we were talking about my new Netflix addiction.  She very innocently asks what show I’m enjoying. This very nice Mormon receptionist girl and my very lovely good Mormon dentist must have caught me on a very special day, or maybe the comment about The Cosby Show got me riled up, because here is pretty much how the conversation went –

RECEPTIONIST:    Oh, I love Netflix!  What show are you watching right now?

ME:    Orange is the New Black.  I LOVE IT.  I’m on the last episode and I’m DYING to finish it.

DENTIST:    Yeah, I’ve heard of that.  That’s the one about the women in prison?

RECEPTIONIST:    Yeah…I watched like two episodes of it.  I just couldn’t do the girl-on-girl thing.

ME:    HA HA HA!!  She means the LESBIAN stuff!!  Lesbian!!  She just doesn’t want to say the word LESBIAN!!  *laughing*

*dentist and receptionist stare*

 

ME:    YOU TWO ARE BOTH A COUPLE OF HONKEYS!  BA HA HA HA!!

*silence*

 

ME:    Whoops.  Is there anyone out there in the waiting room?  I probably just offended like everyone out there.

DENTIST:    Nah. You’re fine.

ME:    So…next time you should probably just give me the gas and I won’t say offensive things.

DENTIST:    I’m not giving you gas.  Ever.  You would probably say things that are much worse.  And say them louder.

ME:    Yeah, you’re probably right.

*secretly thinking I’m going to request and pay for the gas next time I get my teeth cleaned*

 

ME:    Ok!  So…see you next time!  Oh, and the show REALLY is GOOD.  I mean, I can only think of like one lesbian scene that I remember.  It was probably the one you already watched.  So you should really watch more episodes, because it just gets better and better!  REALLY.

RECEPTIONIST:    Uh huh.  Yep.  Ok, sounds good.

 

All in all, a pretty successful day.  I got my teeth cleaned.  I called my dentist and receptionist “honkeys”.

I think I’ve been watching too many prison scenes.  Or maybe not.

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Filed Under: Random Acts of Tard Tagged With: characters named Piper, Netflix, Netflix series, Orange is the New Black

Happy Burfday To Me

July 28, 2013 By ace 1 Comment

Last Thursday was my birthday, and I really, really, really, really wanted to post on that day, sort of like a gift to myself.  But I didn’t get the time to post, so no gift for me, but I did buy myself a vanilla birthday cake from City Cakes.

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Don’t feel too bad for me about the no gifts thing…I did get a card from my dad on Tuesday which had a substantial gift card to Lululemon as well as another from Starbucks.  So, that means very soon I’m going to over-caffeinate myself and spend an obscene dollar amount on a little bitty workout top that probably cost five bucks to make.  What a nice dad, especially considering I pretty much forget his birthday EVERY YEAR.

I’m not joking.

It is really pathetic and wrong.

Oh yes, and I cannot forget to mention my early birthday gift from friend Nico – a pair of purple shoes from her closet that I tried on the last time I was at her house and wore ALL NIGHT LONG before I lovingly put them back in her closet.  Persistence pays off, because after I declared my love for them enough times, Nico wrapped them up and handed them down to little old me!!

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Do you call that being persistent or just a pain in the ass?

In addition to buying my own birthday cake, I also took the liberty of booking a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends the week before my forty-first.  Stacia, Jax and I all have birthdays in July, so we decided that we should celebrate them by pretending to sit in a fiery pit of hell and think about our numerous sins and bad habits while indulging in all of them.

That makes complete sense to me.

We stayed at The Paris Las Vegas, which was pretty nice except that they clean their cafe and hall floors with a sour mop, which I am familiar with because I’ve worked at many restaurants in my life, and a sour mop has a very distinct and DISGUSTING smell.  But our room was nice, and we liked the pool, which made up for having to walk through the stench downstairs.

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I practiced my photo-bombing skills, which is actually a lot harder than you think.  Especially in a crowded pool with a red-headed friend jumping around holding a camera phone aloft.

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After dinner, the rest of our party went quickly to bed because of a grueling flight to Vegas from Sydney, Australia.  Jax and Stacia and I wandered over to the lounge act at the Paris, which had a very impressive disco band with a Whitney Houston-sounding, teensy-tiny Asian lead singer.  Stacia and Jax, of course, were the first to jump on the dance floor.  Jax is very serious about her dancing.  I am, too, especially when given the job of playing the cowbell.  That is a very, very important instrument, you know.

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We made the mistake on Saturday by buying tickets to go across the street to the Marquee Dayclub at the Cosmopolitan Hotel.  Bad idea, and I will take total responsibility because I was really just taking us there because of my fond pool memories from the Cosmopolitan earlier in June with Brad.

If you want to go on an adventure where you travel down one hot street, deal with surly ticket counter girls, pass through five ropes and up one jam-packed elevator with an elevator attendant telling bad jokes, this is your kind of adventure.  Plus, at the Marquee Dayclub you have the added advantage of feeling really, really old – or just getting a great reminder of why you would never, ever want to be in your twenties again.  There was nowhere to sit that didn’t cost money, and by 11am, the tiny pool was crowded with oily children who had lots of piercings and lots of drinks in their hands.

Stacia and I hightailed it out of there pretty damn quick.

I had the opportunity to steal a key card from some dummy ahead of us at the ticket counter, but of course I stupidly yelled at him about his forgotten key and he came back to get it.  Had I quietly slipped it in my purse, the girls and I could have gone up to the more mellow and adult Bamboo Pool up on the fifteenth floor of the Cosmopolitan.  Shit shit shit.

Lesson learned.

Stacia is the perfect person for me to travel with, because we cruise along at right about the same pace.  We wake up around 9am, lay by the pool and read magazines until about 2pm, then head back to the room for a nice room service meal and nap.  There’s not a ton of places Stacia is dying to run around and see, and she doesn’t mind me taking lots of time to bathe and get ready to leave the room at night.  She also lets me dress her up and do her hair, which fulfills any styling desires I may have.

PS – those pants you see her dancing around in above?  I did not pick those out.

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We went to see Sarah Silverman perform at the Palms our second night in Las Vegas, and she was epic.  SO MUCH FUN.  This is the only picture we have of the night, one which made us laugh really hard because it looks like no one wanted to sit near me.  We also laughed really hard because Sarah Silverman is just one fucking crazy hilarious bitch.

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On Sunday, our last day in Vegas, I had to stick with an all-clear liquids diet because I had a colonoscopy procedure scheduled very early Monday morning.  Please don’t tell me how dumb I am for not re-scheduling that thing.  I know this.  It’s OK.  I can live without food for a day.

At Jax’s birthday brunch, I figured that a few clear vodka sodas were a good enough meal, and they made the plane ride home pretty fun.  Especially when the young man sitting next to me fell asleep and then snorted so loudly he woke himself up.  I was so good about my clear liquids rule that I only licked ONE peanut.  Just one.

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I had to start my bowel prep the minute I arrived home.  Yes, it sucked.  I had to try to drink that foul liquid all through the night and jumped out of bed every thirty minutes to hit the bathroom.  All that mess aside, my colonoscopy turned out just fine, no problems whatsoever, and my GI doctor even told me that my colon looks PRISTINE.

I don’t think any person has ever used that adjective EVER to describe anything about me.  So I felt a small swelling of pride and admired the pictures once I got home and had shoved a huge chicken burrito in my face.  PRISTINE.

Thank you, girls, for traveling with me, and thank you for making the trip so easy and so fun.  I love you all.

Hope to see you again next year, Vegas!

Filed Under: Travel and Adventures, Why You Should Be My Friend Tagged With: disco dancing, girl trips, good Vegas pools, Marquee Dayclub Las Vegas, photo bombing, Sarah Silverman, The Palms Las Vegas, The Paris Hotel Las Vegas

Party Pooper

July 17, 2013 By ace 1 Comment

My wishes were answered and the other day my friend Gina posted this on my Facebook page.  Thank you, Gina.

The more I listened to this guy, the more I liked his accent and his droll sense of humor.  Anyone that talks about poop on YouTube is alright in my book.  And then it also made me laugh because it reminded me of my own party-pooping incident many years ago…which I guess was just as literal as this guy was musing about regarding his friend Jennifer.  I think my way of party-pooping, especially when stuck in a very tricky situation, was pretty damn creative and I pulled it off without a hitch.

The best part was that I didn’t tell my friend Tina about the dump I left in her house for at least six years.

And speaking of Jennifers, I miss my Jennifer.  My Jen in Portland.  Have I told you she’s knocked up with a new baby?  And that I am soooo excited for a new baby made by her and Rob??  Oh my god, I want to be there for the birth.  Jen, if you let me watch you give birth, I will not be a party pooper and announce to the room if you accidentally push a turd out on the delivery table.

JENNIFER, I PROMISE I WON’T.

That would be a huge party pooper thing to do.

Filed Under: Fucking Funny, Random Acts of Tard

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