Dear Friends:

Remember that movie back in the 80’s called “Sixteen Candles”?  You know, the one starring Molly Ringwald and directed by John Hughes, creator of the Brat Pack?  Oh my god, I loved that movie.  I can’t remember how old I was when I saw it, but I’m thinking it was probably around 8th or 9th grade, and it was the first time a male movie star made me feel funny DOWN THERE.  Translation: I totally wanted to have Jake Ryan seduce me with a birthday cake and then carry me up to his bedroom and just give it to me good.  He was so hot.

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And of course if you remember “Sixteen Candles”, you will remember Long Duck Dong:

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Can I just say that I loved his girlfriend, too?  The softball player.  Remember them on that crazy exercise bike together?  OMG.

I have decided I want to have a new nickname.  Long.  Duck.  Dong.  Long Duck Dong.

Maybe you are confused now.  That’s OK.  We’ll get there.

So I bought this book a long, long time ago…back when I had the time to be really into Fung Shui and actually thought about the direction in which my bed was facing instead was highly important.  Whereas these days I just fall into it in a semi-coma, muttering a prayer of thanks that my children are both asleep.  I used to think a lot about softening corners and making sure I had auspicious items in my house, like a live pet or the Chinese golden toad who held five coins in his mouth.  That’s supposed to bring the Benjamins your way, you know.  I should have totally been a Fung Shui consultant.  But who wants to pay for that shit?  Only people like Shirley Maclaine.

Back in those days I was still into my Motherpeace Tarot cards and crystal necklaces and Alanis Morissette and having candles all over the place.  I still have those tarot cards if you ever want a reading.  We can drink us some witch’s brew and then we can laugh when I tell you that your wife is going to let her personal trainer touch her boobs.

This is one of many Fung Shui books I own:

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Clearing your clutter is very important, you know.

The book is somewhere down in a box in my basement.  I was going to try to dig it out for this post, but meh.  Oh wait, let me make sure you know that it is definitely NOT in a box of clutter in a cluttered basement storage room.  Cause I take Fung Shui seriously, dudes.

As for the book, I can tell you exactly what you need to know without any direct quotes.  It’s about getting rid of your shit.  Like the stuff you cram in drawers and the clothing you haven’t worn in ten years and the garbage in the trunk of your car.  In the world of Fung Shui, when you clear your clutter your life will be way more harmonious.  And peaceful.  And your thighs will magically shrink and your age spots will disappear and your husband will grow hair on his head again.

I remember in this book all kinds of chapters, like “Clearing the Clutter in Your Office”, and “Clearing the Clutter in Your Living Room”.  You get my point.  The one chapter that caught my attention was about clearing the clutter in your colon.  I’m not fucking kidding you.  There was a real chapter in Karen Kingston’s book about the clutter in your colon.  Some people are really passionate about this, and apparently the author is one of them.

She talked a lot about some trip she took to some island in the Pacific, where she ate all kinds of interesting fruits and vegetables and learned from some poo guru about how important it is to look at your turds.  She also talked a lot about how your colon can be cluttered, and that is also some shit you need to clear.  Literally.  She explained how you can figure out if you have a cluttered colon, and it starts with looking at what you leave in the toilet.

I AM SO WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME ON THIS ONE.

Because I always look at my poops.  And it’s a good thing I do, because seven years ago I caught some strange clutter and ended up with a large polyp being removed and having really fun colonoscopies for three years in a row.   Anyway, the author writes a whole chapter about how your poo should look, what color it should be, whether it should float or not, and how it is actually not good for you to sit down while pooping.  I forget exactly why on that last one.  It had something to do with bending your bowels the wrong way or it not being natural to sit down while you take a dump.  But I do remember her saying you should sit up straight and tall while you’re on the crapper, as well as use some good, deep breathing techniques as you go about your business.

OMG.  I think I just had a revelation as to why my three-year old won’t sit on the toilet to poop.  She read that chapter on being all Fung Shui with her colon and she is standing up JUST LIKE THE ANCIENT CHINESE OR PACIFIC ISLAND POO GURUS DID.  She is so smart.

Now, I’m telling you that I want you to start calling me Long Duck Dong.  It’s really the perfect nickname.  Because for the past few days my poops have been these very long, skinny, perfectly straight snakey things that are so damn long they extend RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET DRAIN.  I’m not kidding you.  If it weren’t so gross, I’d find a way to pull them back out and measure them.  Because I swear to God they are at least fourteen inches long.

I think I might email Karen Kingston and tell her about how I’m getting rid of some awesome clutter and she might be really stoked about it.

What do you think?

Love,

Long Duck Dong