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London Olympics – Piper Style

August 16, 2012 By ace 5 Comments

I’ve sadly realized I’m on the road to losing tons of readers due to my pathetic lack of posting lately. There are many things to blame. The traveling. The vomiting two-year old. And the fact that some days I look at my computer and think I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO OPEN YOU UP. Not because of the blog, but because I don’t want to be reminded from my online banking there is no money in my checking account. I blew it all on the taco truck.

Speaking of strange energy wrapped in a little bit of sadness, did you see the London Olympics closing ceremonies? It was totally like a big awesome rock concert aimed right at people MY AGE. All the old names! All the 80’s bands! (Note: Spice Girls, you do not qualify as a band because you do not play instruments nor did you make more than one album.)

The musical extravaganza sort of made up for the very boring and very bizarre opening ceremonies. I mean, WHAT THE HELL?? Men in top hats and pocket watches wandering around a grassy knoll quoting Shakespeare??

We watched a lot of Olympics at my house this July. It was almost like a scene straight out of the fifties. The enthralled family gathering around the television set with popcorn and TV trays. Except it wasn’t a black and white television set and I wasn’t wearing an apron. And unlike Donna Reed’s husband, my husband was telling me I am the person to blame because my seven-year old son farts very loudly and thinks it’s hysterical.

Now that the London Olympics are over, I’d like to bring up a few items for discussion. Perhaps you’d care to comment.

1. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #1: Was Misty May-Treanor paid a small royalty each time she had the camera on her face and she shouted, “GO DODGERS!!”?? I think so.

2. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #2: Did you see the strange rectangular tattoos on the backs of the divers? Some were light red, some were blue. I was really fascinated by this. I was sure they were tattoos. Furthermore, I imagined they were tattoos made by aliens, since they were so strange and blocky and big. Like the aliens were trying to tell other aliens, this one has already been probed.

Update: My friend said she thought these “tattoos” were actually athletic tape, and I’m pretty sure she’s right. This is highly disappointing to me.

3. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #3: When and how did Bob Costas receive a plastic face transplant? This is highly curious. I bet it was expensive.

4. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #4: Why were all the runners in the 1500 meter race wearing bright yellow shoes? Was this required?

5. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #5: Who will be the next former Olympian to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”? My vote is for weight lifter Holley Mangold.

You think I’m saying this to be rude, but I’m not. I’m saying this because Holley Mangold KICKS ASS and I bet she’s a pretty damn good on her feet because she used to play a lot of football. I’m tired of seeing perfect backs and perfect biceps and perfect legs of professional athletes on DWTS. They can suck it. I’d rather watch Holley because she at least has a sense of humor.

6. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #6: How the hell can a human being run twenty miles per hour? I mean, I don’t think I’d be able to run that fast even if I trained every day of my life AND had a naked rapist wielding a bloody axe and a herpes-covered penis chasing me. (That sentence reads very awkwardly. I know.)

There are definitely ways we could improve upon the Summer Olympic Games. I figure if they have given race walking, trampolining, synchronized swimming, and tug-of-warring a go, they could perhaps consider the new events I’m suggesting below.

Actually, add to my list that the IOC needs to bring back tug-of-war as an official event. That would be AWESOME. Especially with a huge mud puddle in the middle of the teams.

New Olympic Event #1: Best/Biggest Veneers

I know this event would give an unfair advantage to highly populated/developed countries, but it may also stimulate the dental industry in others. The United States would hands-down have a great chance to sweep the medals in this category. We have some good fake teeth, people. If I were the U.S. Veneer event coach, I would send these individuals into battle:

Jessica Biel

Gary Busey

Emily Maynard

Each of the above definitely has their own toothy flair. U.S.A!! U.S.A!! U.S.A.!!

New Olympic Event #2: Strangest Musical Group Names

This might be fun. I suppose the band would have to dress in their typical costumes/clothing, mount the stage, and say their band name out loud three times without laughing. So, even though the Brits would probably not medal in the tooth competition, they have a HUGE chance of kicking ass at this one. Case in point:

Kajagoogoo

However, the Russians may edge them out with the girls known as…

Pussy Riot

Photo credit: Igor Mukhin

New Olympic Event #3: Mini-Cooper Stuffing

Sort of like the clowns in the VW Bug at the circus, but better – and on a global scale. No floppy shoes, no crazy makeup – just a bunch of really small people in Speedos shoving themselves as creatively as possible into the car. You think this requires no training or strategy?? HA. Tell that to the athletes who will have to starve themselves for weeks beforehand and then have a teammate’s ass or crotch in their face for longer than thirty seconds.

Photo credit: topspeed.com

I’m not far off people. This Mini Cooper thing already has a Guiness Book world record holder. Check it out. You can even find video of the people stuffing themselves into the car on YouTube.

THOSE PEOPLE WOULD TOTALLY EARN THAT GOLD MEDAL. And instead of getting weepy about all the hardships and sacrifices and tragic setbacks the athletes have endured to get to the Olympics, we might actually laugh for a change.

How refreshing.

Eye of the Beholder

August 12, 2012 By ace 9 Comments

I’m going to prove to you today that watching reality TV is not a waste of time.

The other day when I was watching Auction Kings on the History channel I learned that in the 1970’s there was such a thing as Billy Beer.

First of all, just the name “Billy Beer” tickles my fancy. So uniquely American. So awesomely redneck. Like you imagine yourself with a cooler full of Billy Beers as you hunt alligators on your homemade pontoon boat.

But then you have the whole fantastical story behind Billy Beer, which is even better.

Billy Beer was named after the beer-swilling, gas station-owning brother of President Jimmy Carter. Someone decided to attempt to capitalize on the Carter name and brew up a beer in honor of good old redneck boys everywhere. They even featured Billy Carter in their commercials. I’ve seen them. He was just BEYOND WORDS.

They brewed a shitload of this beer, which ended up not tasting very good. And that resulted in lots of American men putting cases of Billy Beer in their garage and forgetting about them. On Auction Kings, some guy was trying to auction off an old dusty case of Billy Beer, which the appraiser claimed was worth nothing. NOTHING. It wasn’t a collectible in any sense. The beer expert told the guy he could pour out all the beer and recycle the aluminum cans for a buck or two.

What the hell??? No way, man. We Americans are way more nostalgic than that.

So somebody ended up paying $125 for the old case of beer at auction, which made me proud to be an American. I would totally pay for an old case of useless Billy Beer, and I would somehow display it proudly in my home. A true conversation piece, my friends.

Speaking of conversation pieces, I recently had a brilliant idea of a way to create one of our own. One of my clients, Elpitha Tsoutsounakis, is a professional printer and design instructor at the University of Utah’s School of Architecture. She works on a Vandercook No. 3 letterpress, so each paper and ink project she creates is like your own little piece of original art.

I asked Elpitha last week if anyone has ever asked her to print up an order of stationery that said

From the Desk of – Snarky Bitch

She sort of laughed and said no. And then I asked her if she would be willing to do that for me, and of course she said yes. I mean, I’m guessing that a printer would print pretty much whatever you wanted on paper if you were paying them what they asked. It doesn’t bother me if they choose not to display it in their portfolio or anything.

So the more I thought about having beautiful thick paper that said From the Desk of Snarky Bitch, the more I liked the idea. I imagined a piece of it in a really great frame hanging on one of my walls. Then I imagined me writing

“Dear Piper: You kick ass. Love, Piper“

on the paper and then framing it. You could even write and frame a great letter to Oprah and Gayle King. Or a quick snarky note to Gisele Bundchen. The possibilities are endless.

YOUR OWN PIECE OF SNARKY ART.

Let me know if you want to kick in ten bucks and we will create an order for Elpitha. I will get that letterhead printed and mail you off your individual sheets. We can then frame our printing press art as we see fit, and you will send me a picture of how you used it (please, someone send a note to that girl in college who slept with your boyfriend), and we will show it all off here on Her Ace in the Hole.

Our very own prideful snark club.

I know you want to join. Cough it up, peeps.

40 Thoughts

July 26, 2012 By ace 7 Comments

LET’S PRETEND THIS WAS POSTED YESTERDAY. I TRIED MY HARDEST.

Today is my birthday. And I’m forty. It’s a list kind of day.

40 THOUGHTS ON MY FORTIETH BIRTHDAY

1. I’m going to try to be ~~thoughtful~~ ~~sane~~ ~~reflective~~ ~~funny~~ ~~upbeat~~ clear even though it might be hard to do so.

2. Because I’m sick with a cold. I feel like shit.

3. Who gets a COLD IN THE SUMMER? It is so dumb.

4. I read an article in Rolling Stone last night on global warming and the current atmospheric/temperature/carbon numbers. It was pretty depressing. We’re pretty much fucked.

5. So what will we do when we have to live in underground tunnels because we will fry if we attempt to live on the Earth’s surface? Where will the Kardashians film their TV shows??

6. I should be more politically involved. I feel guilty about this sometimes.

7. I give myself a break because my sister is politically active enough for both of us. I let her do all the work.

8. Deep down, I only want to be politically involved if I am running for U.S. Congress. And when I’m campaigning I want to wear awesome campaigning clothing and be completely blunt and want to be the person the news trucks love to chase because she calls the other candidate a “blabbering idiot with his head stuck up his poop shute“.

9. That’s kind of sad. I’d like to think I’d really say stuff like that, though.

10. Political arguments and no action frustrate me.

11. I’m going to go take some cold medicine.

12. The cold medicine knocked me on my ass. It is now fourteen hours later.

13. I’m pretty happy to be forty. It’s a good number.

14. That last one sounded pretty stupid. I mean, I realized yesterday that I’m fairly happy with where I’m at in life. I am glad I’m forty. I feel balanced and happy with life. I like who I am. I like who is in my life.

15. Three years ago I used to worry a lot more. I worried about stuff I wasn’t doing. I worried about friendships. I worried that people didn’t like me or didn’t respect me or that I wasn’t important to them.

16. I don’t really worry about that stuff anymore.

17. It feels nice not to worry.

18. A picture representation of my current state of mind:

19. I think I dress a hell of a lot better now at forty than I did at twenty. A HELL OF A LOT BETTER.

20. Feel free to tease me about the floral granny outfit and white pantyhose.

21. You can also feel free to tease that guy in the picture, because I’m not married to him. I have his email if you want it.

22. Some days it shocks me that I’ve been out of college for almost twenty years. I don’t feel that old. Hell, I feel like I should still be going to fraternity parties and studying for tests.

23. There are a lot of things I’d like to do before I get too old or too tired to try them.

24. Like go scuba diving.

25. Like go to a huge music festival and party like a rock star.

26. Like be a rock star. One who doesn’t have to play an instrument.

27. Learn how to play an instrument.

28. Find someone who will pay me to write for them.

29. Learn more about photography.

30. I should also appreciate my mother more.

31. I need to start making some kick-ass family photo and memory books. Even though I’ve been saying this for three years.

32. Go to Australia. I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.

33. Watch less TV. But if I am going to watch TV, I should watch more Jon Stewart and less Bachelorette.

34. This reminds me, I have to write a post on the final Bachelorette. Because she chose the guy from Utah and I just about had a heart attack and died on my living room floor because I was so happy. I want to be one of Emily’s bridesmaids.

35. I have lots of experience being a bridesmaid. I never keep the dresses.

36. This cold is really, really kicking my ass. I feel horrible.

37. When I’m sick I generally just want people to leave me alone. This is quite conflicting when you have kids.

38. Someday I think I will post a video of myself singing all my good Chi Omega drinking songs. You would like them.

39. This post is kind of sucking. I’m sorry.

40. I’m going to finish with a photo and a conversation with my sister following the cutting of the cake. My family is insane. Truly. I love that more and more as I get older. CRAZY IS ENTERTAINING.

SHEA (my sister): *looking at my birthday cake* What’s a cougar?

ME: Are you serious??

SHEA: Yeah. I don’t know what that means.

ME: God! Where have you been?? Everyone knows what a cougar is!!

BRAD: A cougar is like an older woman who preys on younger guys.

SHEA: OH! Ok. You guys have been keeping me in the dark! I’m SO out of the loop. Oh yeah…the other day I learned another new word. One that I’ve never heard of before. MUFF DIGGER.

ME: What?! Muff digger? Do you mean muff DIVER?

SHEA: Ummm…yeah, I guess so. Yeah, muff diver!

ME: That’s totally old. No one says muff diver anymore. Who the hell were you discussing muff divers with anyway??

SHEA: Terry. *me looking puzzled* You know, TERRY…the homeless guy that mom hangs out with at the park!

AND THAT IS MY FAMILY, EVERYONE.