i don’t talk about my mom very much on my blog
and when I have in the past
it’s usually funny
something she has said or done
because she puts some crazy shit out there

but
we are all
a lot more than our madcap moments

my mom is susan
and my daughter has that name too
right in the middle
not as an afterthought
or tradition
but as a way for me to try to tell my mother how much I love her

sometimes that’s hard
for daughters
to say

when my mom told me
three weeks ago
she has breast cancer
the fact that sometimes mothers and daughters are complicated and irrational
made me angry

but they just are
mothers and daughters
are twisty and curved and loopy and usually don’t make sense
but in the middle of the rolling eyes and irritation and mixed messages
they have
deep pockets of love

i was also acutely aware
there is a lot i don’t know
about susan

i know some of her stories as a child

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but not many of her teenage years

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and even less of her as a young adult

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like the first time she fell in love
the friends or lovers who have caused her pain
odd jobs she worked
what made her decide
to get married the first
second
and third time
how she felt while she was pregnant
what it was like going through a divorce
why she left my dad
what she used to be scared of
or what scares her now

and so much more

i’m not sure why we never talk about these things
maybe because they take time
and we don’t

but i do know in that moment
when she told me she was sick
i wanted to ask her about all of these things
little things
she has forgotten about
and how it may be a lot like things i have gone through

so

i think it’s my job to stop letting the craziness of life
busy schedules
feeling tired
frustrated
caught up with minor things
like laundry
or the rest of the dribbling responsibilities i let my mind become overburdened with
those things which rob my time
so that
i never get around to asking

i can tell you that susie is probably more complicated than i ever will know
and that’s ok
because i know i am sometimes a mystery to her
and
also very much like her
which probably confuses the both of us

it is not all confusing
some things are very clear
like
when i was a child i loved how she smelled
when she got ready to go out on the weekends
and how she let me rest my head on her lap at restaurants
the adults would talk
she would play with my hair
until i drifted off to sleep

having her attention shine on me
even for quick moments
was a lovely feeling

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it still feels good to hear praise from my mom
so i’m trying
not to forget that with my own daughter
my susan

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i am strong and willful
sometimes stubborn
just like susie
and sloan, her namesake

i pretty much call my own shots
and as i look back
i realize my mom has too
which makes me a little proud of both of us

and i’m hoping
these intrinsic parts of us that may seem difficult
to others
help her
and me
while she goes through getting rid of this
pain in the ass
called cancer

because
she’s way more important to me
than she knows
it is probably a cop-out saying it here on the internet
but
at this moment
it’s all I can do
because i hurt

and even though she doesn’t hardly use a computer
or have an email account
i will make sure she knows
we have
much more
to talk about
and i really am interested in her
more than she would ever guess
and
i’m sorry
that relationships with daughters are complicated

just like the both of us

but in the end
i think we will all be ok
because of
love

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