Her Ace in the Hole

...rarely relevant, sometimes cheeky, almost honest.

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Don’t Tell PETA

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PIPER’S FAVORITE THINGS VOLUME #187:

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Everyone is going to get SO SICK of seeing this picture.  I’ve already posted it on Facebook and Instagram, so I’m really sorry if you’re seeing this for a second time.  But the more I look at this picture, the happier I get, and I need some happy these days because my kids WON’T STOP FIGHTING.

Summer is so much fun!

We went to a reggae concert in Park City last night, and as we were hoofing it up Main Street I saw these winners in a window display.  I didn’t see a price tag, but I’m sure they are at least a few hundred bucks.  So if any of you readers out there have extra money to blow, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE buy me these underwear.

I’ve thought about it all night, and I have a few great reasons why I need them.

1)  They would make an awesome Halloween costume.  Or Christmas card picture.

2)  As punishment for being a smart-mouth or fighting with his sister, I could make Beatty wear these while he ran around the block three times.

3)  BEST OF ALL:  After years and years of bikini waxing, a certain someone has barely any hair down there.  So if a big 70’s bush comes back into style, these undies are a great alternative.  Kind of like a pubic hair wig.  That would be so awesome.  Just imagine wearing them under a bathing suit or something…you would have the biggest bush at the pool!!  WINNING!!

 

PS – Forget number two.  Beatty just walked into the room and looked at the picture and said, “I WANT A PAIR OF THOSE!!”.  Oh dear Jesus.

 

White Lines

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So…our newest Rap Moms video.

I like to think that Bianca Jagger danced at Studio 54 to this song.  With cocaine smeared all over her face and her skirt riding up her sweaty thighs and showing off the awesomeness of her without any panties on.

Which may or may not be correct, and of course I haven’t checked my dates on when the song was published, but I bet I’m right when I say that Bianca Jagger didn’t wear underpants to Studio 54.

I do need to tell you that Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are FUCKING IMPORTANT.  And this song should be one that the youngsters of today boogie around to at school dances – just like us forty-somethings do at weddings.  Almost every wedding DJ I’ve experienced in my life spins this song.  I’m not saying they shouldn’t,  because Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five were the FIRST hip-hop group ever to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

So they deserve to be played at weddings.

Anyway, I just checked my facts on Wikipedia, and since “White Lines” was released in 1983, and Studio 54 shut down in 1981, it’s impossible that Bianca was gyrating to the song.  But maybe she gyrated to “White Lines” at a loft party in Manhattan or something.

Please enjoy our new video.  And I want to give a big thanks and shout out to Andy Samberg, who inspired the concept of this video with his hilarious song “Great Day” on YouTube.  I had been wanting to do “White Lines” for a long time, and when I saw his video, it was like a sonic boom in my brain – THERE WE GO!  POWDER ON THE FACE!  AND CRAZY MOMS TWEAKING!

Thanks, Andy and The Lonely Island crew.  Now would you please post our rap video as a video response on your channel??

 

I’m Still Confused by the Rabbit and Egg Connection

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Yesterday was Easter and we actually had a great one.  Last year we were at the hospital waiting for Lev to be born, and he eventually was, our perfect little Easter Jew baby.  I should just leave most holidays up to my sister, because instead of formalities and dressing up, they would involve guitar sing-alongs and children eating grass.  In many ways, she is definitely the smarter of the two of us.

A couple of things about Easter.  I guess maybe this will be a bit of ranting about holidays in general.  You can tell I’m getting older and lazier, because when my son came home from school last month and started complaining to me that “the leprechaun” never visits our house, I was like WHAAAAAT THE HELL.  He tells me that some kids in his class get a visit from “the leprechaun” on St. Patrick’s Day and he leaves treats and toys and all this shit.  So that’s when I lose it and start hollering that “the leprechaun” is NOT REAL and it is the parents who are leaving all this crap and that St. Patrick’s Day isn’t even about that, anyway, and HAS YOUR TEACHER TAUGHT YOU WHAT ST. PATRICK’S DAY IS REALLY ABOUT??

I don’t think so.

I also think the parents who are pretending to be a generous little Leprechaun should find something better to do, like go watch some porn or knit a scarf or something.  Seriously.

Beatty gets all frustrated and hollers back at me, “It’s about THE LEPRECHAUN!  AND THE GREEN!!”.

So I snort and laugh and really want to tell him it’s about beer and corned beef.  Instead I say, “Ok, I’m going to Google this because I admit I can’t quite remember myself what it is about, but we are going to find out the TRUE meaning of St. Patrick’s Day!”.

So Beatty just stares at me and says, “Gosh.  Take all the FUN out of it, why don’t you.”  And he left the room.

I lay down on his floor for a little while and racked my brain trying to remember what St. Patrick’s Day is based on, and then I never Googled it because Sloan started yelling at me that she had to pee.

Anyway, two magical people in one year are enough for me.  Meaning Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, who both can be so amazingly creepy I just don’t even know where to start.  Who else can offer kids treats and make them cry at the same time??  NOT MANY, FOLKS.  I very much enjoy laughing over the excitement and dread they inspire in children.  Screw the leprechaun.  I don’t have time for him.

My sister pointed me to a website that was featuring a post titled “45 Easter Bunnies More Terrifying Than a Crucified Man Coming Back From the Dead“.  A little long-winded and very politically obvious, yes.  I suppose they make their point.  But they are on to something here, because every time I’ve seen someone dressed up as an Easter bunny, I feel a very strong urge to pull off their fake, vacuous eyes and karate kick them in their bunny gut.

When my sister mentioned this, it reminded me of our Easter three years ago when we went to brunch at the country club and Beatty participated in an “egg hunt” inside the tennis bubble because it was pouring rain outside.  Which was less like a hunt and more like little kids running around picking up candy that was tossed all over a tennis court.  There was this Easter bunny there who completely freaked me out.  He was sort of like a half-man, half-rabbit concoction lurking around with one of the ugly forest-green polyester napkins from the country club shoved in his basket.  He did not smile.  Children did not approach him.  Nobody wanted pictures with him.  It was actually quite priceless.

So I searched through my photo files and found him for you.

Behold –

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And of course I have to show you some of my favorites I found on that creepy bunny post.  And of course I had to name them all for you.

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And even though this year Sloan cried for at least thirty minutes with real tears and snot dribbling out her nose because the Easter Bunny accidentally put the Elmo bubble bath and mini M&M’s into her big brother’s basket, I still don’t think she was as ticked off as she was when I dressed her in this Easter getup:

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I’m just going to have to blame that outfit on some kind of post-partum crazy, because I definitely wasn’t smoking pot and I’m not colorblind.  Sloan, I’m sorry.

And next year the “smart” Easter Bunny will drink less wine and try to stay awake long enough to make sure the right things get into the right baskets.   At least the pink and purple Crocs ended up in yours.  So quiet down, darling.

PS – I bet those people from that other website don’t leave treats from “the leprechaun”, either.