Some days you don’t have cohesive thoughts. One of those days where your mind flits from one strange thing to another and you are generally feeling grumpy and unglued. This is one of those days.
Actually, this is one of those weeks.
First, I’ve been sick. I hate being sick. I just want to be left alone and that is one hundred percent impossible with two kids and a husband. You don’t get to crawl in bed with the Nyquil, nor do you get to lay on the couch and watch endless episodes of “Top Chef”. Humpf.
Today, this is what I thought about:
The grunt in the bottom of my sink. This is what is left after dear husband does the dishes. Nobody but me takes care of this little gift.
Next up – I think it is very odd that my baby girl will be crying as if the world were ending, but if I lay on my back and she can bounce on my chest and smack me in the face she is instantly happy. Girls are so strange. And dramatic.
Every girl should wear her dad’s underwear for a necklace at least once in her life.
…or as a hat.
I despise being sick. Oh yeah, I already said that.
I want to look good in a bathing suit this summer. Why is it that we never feel like we are older than our early twenties – I mean, I don’t feel any older than that, then we put on a bathing suit and OH SHIT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY ASS AND STOMACH AND THIGHS??? Oh my god, it’s just cruel. I did not appreciate my seventeen-year old figure and metabolism enough.
I think that a good way for me to look hot in a bathing suit this summer would be to join a roller derby team. This would not only include lots of great physical fitness, but it would be a nice way to work out any aggression I have regarding the kitchen sink drain. However, the bruises I might wind up with would maybe counteract any kind of new oomph to the ass and thighs. I wish I had a picture of me in a roller derby uniform taking a smooth corner turn. I don’t.
I’m tired and burned out on cooking. I used to love to cook. Now it’s a chore.
Why doesn’t someone good deliver food when you are sick? Like a great salad or some soup…god, I would even take some Taco Bell.
After 4 months of being wet in the endless snowy winter, cars really stink. Bad.
I have not had a celebrity crush in a long time. No good sexy dreams about a celebrity in months and months and months. I can’t even think of a handful who really get me going right at the moment. The closest I can come is Maks from “Dancing With The Stars”. You don’t have to tell me this is strange and pathetic. I think he’s seriously hot. HOT. I would totally tap that.
I need to go back to the kitchen sink. This is because you probably asked yourself, WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST PUSH THAT CRAP DOWN THE DISPOSAL?? Reason: I had my disposal removed. I am morally opposed to disposals.
Now you surely feel that I heap this punishment on myself and I deserve to scrape melted cheese off the sink catcher. Whatever. I had my plumber remove the disposal when it broke down – after we had a good discussion about shoving food and grease down the pipes. I have to mention that my cousin in Texas LOVES her disposal. I think she probably has a very close relationship with her Roto Rooter man. I’ve sat at her counter and watched her try to shove whole casseroles and chickens down her sink drain.
Vagazzling. This is bedazzling your…you know. That shit is weird. I’m not kidding. Google it. My friends and I did at dinner tonight and passed around an iPhone with pictures of a girl’s bearded clam with some crazy crystals glued to it. Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt likes to do this. Huh?
If I ever feel bad about myself or have self-image issues I just watch 15 minutes of “My Big Redneck Wedding” or “Horaders” and I instantly feel better. This is much easier and cheaper than calling my therapist.
Remember that cute baby in the above pictures with the underwear on her head? Well, she bites. SHE BITES HARD. She made her brother who is in kindergarten cry tonight when she bit him on the leg. I have also seen her try to bite him square on the crotch.
We women have good instincts.
Send me any roller derby information for teams in Salt Lake City and I will TOTALLY follow up on that instinct because I’m sure it will be a good and worthy one. And I will have someone take a picture of me in my rad skates cross-checking some girl who uses the nickname Bad Betty.
I promise I will post it.