Her Ace in the Hole

...rarely relevant, sometimes cheeky, almost honest.

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Another Conversation

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SCENE:  My husband and yours truly, driving home from a very fun and special birthday party for one of my clients…after my husband freaks out that we are 15 minutes late relieving the babysitter and me reassuring him that she is not going to run out the front door at 8:30pm.

PIPER:  (checking her cell phone) oooohhh!!  I got a direct message from Bossy on Twitter!!  Yay!!

BRAD:  Bossy.  Who is  Bossy?

PIPER:  oh, come on.  You’ve heard me talk about Bossy.  Her real name is Georgia Getz.   She’s one of my favorite bloggers.  She’s like from the East Coast or somwhere near that and she’s really funny and she always talks about herself in the third person.

BRAD:  Ummm.  Yeah.  She’s from Georgia?

PIPER:  NO.  HER NAME IS GEORGIA.  And she has this blog – her website – called www.iambossy.com.  Oh, come on.  You’ve heard me talk about it!  Don’t you remember!?  www.iambossy.com !!  Seriously.

BRAD:  I guess.  What does she write about?

PIPER:  Oh, god.  I don’t know.  Like funny pop culture kinds of things and she has this really distinct style and she draws funny pictures or writes on pictures…I don’t know how or what kind of program…Word?  or Illustrator?  I have no idea.  And she also writes funny stuff about her non-husband, you know, the husband she is separated from but lives like three doors down from.  They’re not divorced, so she calls him her non-husband.  But it’s good, because they still kind of hang out or date or something, and her kids are older…like 14 and 19 or something like that.  Her son is in South America for study abroad or something.  And she also writes about, oh…I don’t know…like adopting pets from the shelter or going to Blondie concerts or being busy at her new non-job…

BRAD:  Oh.  Yeah.  Which reminds me…do you know how sad it is that your kids will never experience the love of owning or adopting a dog?  They will probably never get that experience.  That’s so sad.

PIPER:  GOD.  Yeah, well dogs stink.  They smell and they shed.  We’ve talked about this many times.  And they shit all over your grass.  That’s so GROSS.

BRAD:  Yes, well your kids are going to grow up and have no good memories of having a pet.  No good memories.  That’s sad.

PIPER:  What are you talking about??  They have CATS.  We have pets.

BRAD:  Yes, but they’ll never know the joy of having a dog.  That’s so sad.

PIPER:  Whatever, Brad.  Like you can list off so many great memories of your childhood dog.  Or dogs.  Or whatever.  You hardly remember their names.

BRAD:  I remember their names.  Don’t you have any good memories of you childhood dogs?

PIPER:  Well, the only memory that comes to mind is me taking the laborador Luna for a run when she was still a puppy, and then she started acting all strange and I tried to keep running and then she stopped and waddled and SHIT ALL OVER THE ROAD.

BRAD:   That’s because you have no instinct about dogs.  You didn’t know what she wanted.

PIPER:  Whatever.  She was a crazy puppy and I thought she was just trying to smell other dogs’ pee or something.  That is not a great memory.  And I still feel guilty because she gave me this pathetic look while she was walking and crapping at the same time.

BRAD:  Oh, come on.  Don’t you tell funny stories about that Great Dane, Reagan, you had as a kid??

PIPER:  Now that dog was funny.  Yes.  She was batshit.  And really smart.

BRAD:  SEE??  DON’T OUR KIDS DESERVE THOSE MEMORIES, TOO??

PIPER:  Whatever, Brad.  Seriously.  When Beatty and Sloan get into college, they will have some dumb girlfriend or boyfriend and they will adopt some stupid dog together while they are playing house and living together, and then when they break up ten months later, they will decide who gets to keep the damn dog for ten more years.

BRAD:  geez…*snort*…

PIPER:  And I will tell you what, BRAD TOLAND.  Beatty will be the one that keeps that fucking dog, and Sloan will be the one that says, SEE YA LATER…YOU FEED THE DAMN THING AND PICK UP ITS TURDS.  I’m not kidding you.  She will be out the door quicker than lightning.  So that will be plenty of dog-owning experiences for them.  They will never forget that shit.  And essentially they will still be kids when they get those dogs.

BRAD:  You’re crazy.

PIPER:  Yeah, whatever.  But you know I’m right.

 

Blood Pressure

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This morning, really really really early, I went to a new physical therapist and then on to a follow-up appointment with the doctor that did my spinal injections about a month ago.

This doctor that did the injections is someone whom I don’t know very well yet, we’ve only met face-to-face twice now…but she seems very good at what she does and is really knowledgeable about injuries and the particular condition with my spine that I’ve inherited from Big Hands and so forth.  The one thing that has soured the whole experience so far is the fact that her nurse/assistant and I got off on the wrong foot together.

Getting off on the wrong foot in the sense that the foot was full of toe jam and bunions and ugly ingrown toenails.  And the assistant was waving that ugly-ass foot in my face and asking me why I was being such a whiny little bitch about it, and why didn’t I just fucking MAN UP and lick the stinky bunion like a big girl?

The doctor’s assistant will remain nameless, of course.  Let’s just say it rhymes with Smelly.  Smelly got pretty nasty with Piper on the phone one time when Piper called in because she could not walk without being hunched over like an 80-year old woman.  And then Smelly made Piper feel like she was a liar and a drug-seeker and a hysterical mess and a doctor-shopper.

This didn’t sit well with Piper.

In person, Smelly kind of reminds you of this loveable character:

[singlepic id=812 w=620 h=540 float=center]

Except Smelly has short, frosted hair and wears scrubs.

So, when Piper was finished crying and feeling sorry for herself about the phone treatment, Piper dried her tears and wrote a letter to the doctor to air her grievances and tell her why her assistant has no place passing judgements about Piper’s back issues.  And then Piper also wrote in the letter that as a woman with a Master’s degree, two young children, rooms to paint, friends to bother, laundry to do, and a blog to write in, that she did not have the TIME OR ENERGY to end up in drug rehab.  She also spouted off her opinion that sometimes a patient has to be given a little bit of trust and autonomy in their medical treatment decisions.  And then she raged about Smelly a little bit more.  Then Piper sealed up the letter and hand-delivered it to her doctor’s office.

We fast-forward to this morning’s appointment, which is actually the first one in which Smelly checked me in for my consultation.  I was very cheery and pleasant toward her.  I did not, however, compliment her on the beauty of her flowered scrubs.  She took my blood pressure and my pulse and all that stuff, but the whole time SHE COULD NOT LOOK ME IN THE FACE.

I wonder if this is just a coincidence.

 

 

 

 

Humor me. Humor yourself.

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Let’s all take a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.  Let’s all INHALE.  Now EXHALE.

Please take this moment to come clean with me.

We all have faults, right?  Bad habits.  Dirty deeds.  Little stinky awful personality flaws.

And I think it’s really a good thing to stop, take a moment, think, and BE REAL.  Just confess to yourself, and perhaps lots of people on the Internet, something you know that you do that’s JUST PLAIN WRONG.  Yes, I’m talking about a confession.  I’m gonna give you one, and  then you can feel free to unload one of your own in the comments section.

This will be a good and noble thing to do.  Believe me, if you know what your faults or idiocies are, chances are a lot of other people have noticed them, too.  So this makes you all the more advanced and superior by admitting them out loud!

Just so you know, and if you’re starting to feel a little nervous, you can use an alias here on Her Ace in the Hole.  *I won’t tell a soul*

And to ease the pain of your confession, I suggest you couple your admitted transgression with the worst, most absolute embarrassing song or artist that you love.  Because you know and I know that there is at least one damn song on your iPod that you only rock out to in the car BY YOURSELF as you sing ALL THE WORDS.  Yeah….THAT ONE.

I figure this will help us end on a high note.  Embarrassment is good.  Laughing at what a dork you are is even better.

So, you lovely, lovely readers, here are mine..and believe me, it is tough, tough stuff pecking out these words on my computer keys.  But this is how we grow, yes?

I HAVE A TERRIBLE HABIT OF ALWAYS HAVING TO BE RIGHT.

I REALLY LIKE THE SONG “TOY SOLDIER” by BRITNEY SPEARS.

[singlepic id=649 w=520 h=440 float=center]

*See?  Britney isn’t so perfect, either.  Ok, well…she sort of is.  But did you know she loves Cheetos and grilled cheese sandwiches??  That’s pretty redneck.  And I love that batshit crazy shaved head of hers, and I love love love that she married some other redneck in Las Vegas while she was chewing gum and wearing her daisy dukes.  SO AWESOME.*

Ok, ya’ll.  Thanks for understanding.  Thanks for getting real.  Thanks for playing.

I heart you.  🙂