SCENE: My husband and yours truly, driving home from a very fun and special birthday party for one of my clients…after my husband freaks out that we are 15 minutes late relieving the babysitter and me reassuring him that she is not going to run out the front door at 8:30pm.
PIPER: (checking her cell phone) oooohhh!! I got a direct message from Bossy on Twitter!! Yay!!
BRAD: Bossy. Who is Bossy?
PIPER: oh, come on. You’ve heard me talk about Bossy. Her real name is Georgia Getz. She’s one of my favorite bloggers. She’s like from the East Coast or somwhere near that and she’s really funny and she always talks about herself in the third person.
BRAD: Ummm. Yeah. She’s from Georgia?
BRAD: I guess. What does she write about?
PIPER: Oh, god. I don’t know. Like funny pop culture kinds of things and she has this really distinct style and she draws funny pictures or writes on pictures…I don’t know how or what kind of program…Word? or Illustrator? I have no idea. And she also writes funny stuff about her non-husband, you know, the husband she is separated from but lives like three doors down from. They’re not divorced, so she calls him her non-husband. But it’s good, because they still kind of hang out or date or something, and her kids are older…like 14 and 19 or something like that. Her son is in South America for study abroad or something. And she also writes about, oh…I don’t know…like adopting pets from the shelter or going to Blondie concerts or being busy at her new non-job…
BRAD: Oh. Yeah. Which reminds me…do you know how sad it is that your kids will never experience the love of owning or adopting a dog? They will probably never get that experience. That’s so sad.
PIPER: GOD. Yeah, well dogs stink. They smell and they shed. We’ve talked about this many times. And they shit all over your grass. That’s so GROSS.
BRAD: Yes, well your kids are going to grow up and have no good memories of having a pet. No good memories. That’s sad.
PIPER: What are you talking about?? They have CATS. We have pets.
BRAD: Yes, but they’ll never know the joy of having a dog. That’s so sad.
PIPER: Whatever, Brad. Like you can list off so many great memories of your childhood dog. Or dogs. Or whatever. You hardly remember their names.
BRAD: I remember their names. Don’t you have any good memories of you childhood dogs?
PIPER: Well, the only memory that comes to mind is me taking the laborador Luna for a run when she was still a puppy, and then she started acting all strange and I tried to keep running and then she stopped and waddled and SHIT ALL OVER THE ROAD.
BRAD: That’s because you have no instinct about dogs. You didn’t know what she wanted.
PIPER: Whatever. She was a crazy puppy and I thought she was just trying to smell other dogs’ pee or something. That is not a great memory. And I still feel guilty because she gave me this pathetic look while she was walking and crapping at the same time.
BRAD: Oh, come on. Don’t you tell funny stories about that Great Dane, Reagan, you had as a kid??
PIPER: Now that dog was funny. Yes. She was batshit. And really smart.
BRAD: SEE?? DON’T OUR KIDS DESERVE THOSE MEMORIES, TOO??
PIPER: Whatever, Brad. Seriously. When Beatty and Sloan get into college, they will have some dumb girlfriend or boyfriend and they will adopt some stupid dog together while they are playing house and living together, and then when they break up ten months later, they will decide who gets to keep the damn dog for ten more years.
PIPER: And I will tell you what, BRAD TOLAND. Beatty will be the one that keeps that fucking dog, and Sloan will be the one that says, SEE YA LATER…YOU FEED THE DAMN THING AND PICK UP ITS TURDS. I’m not kidding you. She will be out the door quicker than lightning. So that will be plenty of dog-owning experiences for them. They will never forget that shit. And essentially they will still be kids when they get those dogs.
BRAD: You’re crazy.
PIPER: Yeah, whatever. But you know I’m right.