Sometimes I Just Need to Vent Archives - Page 2 of 8

Does Santa Fix This?

December 16, 2011 By ace 1 Comment

Our ice machine broke a few weeks ago. So now we have to buy bags of ice at the store and dump them in the bin. I know. Get out the violins. I don’t care, because I am not kidding…this does NOT work for me.

Conversation just now in my kitchen:

Me: “Brad.”

Brad (at his computer): “mmm hmmmm.” (not paying attention to me)

Me: “BRAD. WE ARE OUT OF ICE. This does not work for me. This is bad. This makes life hard for me.”

Brad: “mmmmmm hmmmm.”

Me: “I NEED ICE. Not having ice in the house is not good. It makes life hard. It pisses me off. Stupid fucking ice maker.”

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Don’t even mention that I needed the ice for the Skinny Girl margarita. This is my attempt at being healthy during the holidays. And I don’t give two shits that I’m putting dollar bills into Bethenny Frankel’s pockets. YOU GO, GIRL. YOU GET DOWN WITH YOUR SKINNY SELF, BETHANNY. TAKE MY MONEY AND DON’T BUY ANY FATTENING FOOD WITH IT.

You also don’t have to mention that YES, I have parquet floors and YES, I have white melamine cabinets with oak trim, and YES I have an ugly-ass white stove with a back burner that doesn’t work. My kitchen is totally 80’s and it rocks. Just like Bethenny Frankel.

Maybe I Missed My Calling

December 15, 2011 By ace 2 Comments

Not to be morbid or anything, but family please take note:

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Brad and I designed this sign to erect on our street – because on Sundays certain people *ahem* are racing too damn fast to the local ward. Think of the children that are playing in the street, people! YES. THOSE WOULD BE MY CHILDREN.

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You have to admit, this one speaks a little bit of truth. Please don’t lie.

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Thank you, Tombstone Builder! Pretty fun way to waste ten minutes. Amen.

P.S. Feel free to leave me better suggestions for my tombstone. I will take each into careful consideration. Perhaps I’ll even add them to this post.

My Christmas Wish

December 9, 2011 By ace Leave a Comment

My Christmas wish:

I wish that fresh trees would come pre-lit. Maybe some little lighting elves could sneak down my chimney and put all those white lights on the tree for me. Then I could sit on the couch with a glass of wine in my hands, like a lady of leisure should. Oh, let’s get crazy and throw some long-lasting pine tree scent on top of the pre-lit tree.

I hate putting lights on the Christmas tree, but love how they look. I want every damn branch covered. I also don’t want you to see any wires.

Big Hands says it best.

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You can tell he likes putting lights on the tree as per my specifications, too.