Random Acts of Tard Archives - Her Ace in the Hole

Example #386 – How Piper Has A Big Mouth

August 7, 2013 By ace 4 Comments

So, I was at my dentist’s office yesterday getting my teeth cleaned, and when the doc came over to check out my pearls, we were talking about a bunch of nothing…then I happened to mention how I just wanted to go home and curl up on my bed with Netflix for the rest of the night and he says,

“You’re so WEIRD.”

And I’m like, HOW IS THAT WEIRD??

Because in my mind, who wouldn’t want to curl up on their bed and watch all thirteen episodes of “Orange is the New Black”??

He is the weird one for instead wanting to get on his bike and ride 100 miles. I freaking love that show. It has consumed me for the past week. Not just because the main character is named Piper, even though that was a shocking and pleasant surprise. That’s a very, very tiny reason why I’ve been glued to my Nook and my children haven’t had a decent meal in two days.

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When we finish with my checkup, he walks me up to the front desk to the receptionist. I happen to very innocently and curiously ask him what his mother looked like (she passed away a while back), and maybe he was feeling like a smart guy and said,

“Well, have you ever seen The Cosby Show?”.

To which I tell him that he is a dork and to shut up. Because that shit really isn’t funny.

THEN, funny-guy dentist tells the receptionist we were talking about my new Netflix addiction. She very innocently asks what show I’m enjoying. This very nice Mormon receptionist girl and my very lovely good Mormon dentist must have caught me on a very special day, or maybe the comment about The Cosby Show got me riled up, because here is pretty much how the conversation went –

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, I love Netflix! What show are you watching right now?

ME: Orange is the New Black. I LOVE IT. I’m on the last episode and I’m DYING to finish it.

DENTIST: Yeah, I’ve heard of that. That’s the one about the women in prison?

RECEPTIONIST: Yeah…I watched like two episodes of it. I just couldn’t do the girl-on-girl thing.

ME: HA HA HA!! She means the LESBIAN stuff!! Lesbian!! She just doesn’t want to say the word LESBIAN!! *laughing*

*dentist and receptionist stare*

ME: YOU TWO ARE BOTH A COUPLE OF HONKEYS! BA HA HA HA!!

*silence*

ME: Whoops. Is there anyone out there in the waiting room? I probably just offended like everyone out there.

DENTIST: Nah. You’re fine.

ME: So…next time you should probably just give me the gas and I won’t say offensive things.

DENTIST: I’m not giving you gas. Ever. You would probably say things that are much worse. And say them louder.

ME: Yeah, you’re probably right.

*secretly thinking I’m going to request and pay for the gas next time I get my teeth cleaned*

ME: Ok! So…see you next time! Oh, and the show REALLY is GOOD. I mean, I can only think of like one lesbian scene that I remember. It was probably the one you already watched. So you should really watch more episodes, because it just gets better and better! REALLY.

RECEPTIONIST: Uh huh. Yep. Ok, sounds good.

All in all, a pretty successful day. I got my teeth cleaned. I called my dentist and receptionist “honkeys”.

I think I’ve been watching too many prison scenes. Or maybe not.

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Party Pooper

July 17, 2013 By ace 1 Comment

My wishes were answered and the other day my friend Gina posted this on my Facebook page. Thank you, Gina.

The more I listened to this guy, the more I liked his accent and his droll sense of humor. Anyone that talks about poop on YouTube is alright in my book. And then it also made me laugh because it reminded me of my own party-pooping incident many years ago…which I guess was just as literal as this guy was musing about regarding his friend Jennifer. I think my way of party-pooping, especially when stuck in a very tricky situation, was pretty damn creative and I pulled it off without a hitch.

The best part was that I didn’t tell my friend Tina about the dump I left in her house for at least six years.

And speaking of Jennifers, I miss my Jennifer. My Jen in Portland. Have I told you she’s knocked up with a new baby? And that I am soooo excited for a new baby made by her and Rob?? Oh my god, I want to be there for the birth. Jen, if you let me watch you give birth, I will not be a party pooper and announce to the room if you accidentally push a turd out on the delivery table.

JENNIFER, I PROMISE I WON’T.

That would be a huge party pooper thing to do.

Waffle House Poster Girls

June 29, 2013 By ace 2 Comments

When life hands you ~~lemon~~s limes, you take the big bushel of limes and make lots of margaritas with them.

Stacia had a shitty week and I had some terrible news on Thursday that is seriously so MESSED UP – I’m not even going to get into it now – so we opened our new Billy Bob teeth that had arrived in the mail and drank a bunch of margaritas and had a grand old time.

I mean, it’s pretty easy to make me and Stacia happy. Give us a pair of fake teeth and turn on some music and just get the camera going. Then we lay on the floor laughing so hard we cry because we can look SO INCREDIBLY UGLY. And it’s awesome.

You can tell Stacia has little or no experience with Billy Bob teeth, because in all of her pictures her mouth was all tight and stressed, rendering a very interesting expression that was a cross between severe constipation and very sad intellectual challenges.

Oh yes, and with that last picture I must explain that Stacia was practicing very, very hard for her “Riverdance” audition. I think she has a very good chance of landing a spot, and the red hair will just add to her audition flair.

You might think right about now that I’m teasing Stacia for looking like a total retarded hillbilly, but I’m actually APPLAUDING her pictures, because sometimes the uglier the picture is, the more I love it. Take note of our pictures of me, which are so ugly it might make your toenails curl. I love them so.

When I put in my Billy Bob teeth, I sort of have this alter ego who makes an appearance. Her name is Rhonda and she has a strong accent and likes to eat grits and smoke cigars. She likes to attempt the running man on occasion.

I love Rhonda.