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Her Ace in the Hole

...rarely relevant, sometimes cheeky, almost honest.

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Moms Rock

May 7, 2011 By ace 6 Comments

I’m sure there are a million and one blog posts on this eve or tomorrow morning about the sanctity of motherhood, but let me tell you, Mother’s Day should not only be about breakfast in bed.  It should be about a DAY OFF and a NIGHT AT A HOTEL and A MOVIE WITH POPCORN and lots of big kisses and no sass from your children.  Because being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever done.

It is totally harder than being a middle school teacher, which I was for at least five years. 

I’m not kidding.

I love my kids more than I love back rubs and sleep and spaghetti with mizithra cheese.  I would step in front of a sharpshooter parked in a Buick across from some random gas station in Virginia to save them if I had to.

So, today to honor YOU MOMMIES – you people who may stumble across my little blog, you moms, you dads who have moms, you kids who may love your mom or resent your mom…let me tell you why moms ROCK.  Then, we will get to a CONTEST and some haiku poems on the badassness of moms!!  YES!!

Moms rock, because…

– we willingly wake up multiple times in the middle of the night to put a binkie in your mouth or hold you when you have a fever.  This interrupted sleep may last for years.  It is frightful, but we do it because you are worth it when you smile at us.

– we wipe your butts and private parts with love and make sure you are completely poo-free because we don’t want your beautiful soft skin to be irritated.

– we want to kill any little bastard that hurts your feelings at school.  But we refrain because that little mean shit has a mother too.

– we sing to you to make you stop crying, even if it isn’t a real song and we make up words to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star”, like “Please shush up, you crying girl…”

– we feed you children way before we put food in our own hungry bellies, and most of the time we make do with your leftover noodles or applesauce or spit-out pieces of waffle.

– we push you out of our VAGINAS, which if you don’t know, is actually a very small orifice that happens to stretch to the size of a cantaloupe…or we have our bellies cut open to pull you out of tissues that might never be the same afterwards – EITHER WAY, THIS WHOLE DEAL IS BAD-ASS.

I want to tell you here, whether you are a mom or not, that I acknowledge each and every one of you fifteen people who read this blog.  I probably know some of you, perhaps some of you I’ve never met…and right now many of you are nameless entities that I just guess about.  But I want you to know that when I look at my dashboard and see that FIFTY people have visited my website in one day, something in me thrills.  And maybe you know way too much about me already, but you need to know that I am grateful for this.

And because of this appreciation, I want to do a contest today.  Please respond under this post in the “comments” section and write me a haiku poem about your mother, or your favorite mother, a grandmother, or perhaps your experience of being a mother.  It can be light, it can be heavy.  Either way, it’s all good.

I will number the entries and choose a winner at random.  This winner gets the ultimate gift of randomness – something from my house or desk or drawers, or perhaps even, my favorite store!!  YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.  It depends on the day, my mood, and how the wind is blowing.

Remember, a haiku poem has 5-7-5 syllables in its three lines.  If it’s not a true haiku, YOU DON’T QUALIFY, DUDE.  Enter as many times as you like!

Contest will be closed on Tuesday at 5pm and winner will be announced at 7pm Mountain time.  Here are my own Mother’s Day haikus, just for fun….

For mom:

Fits in high school clothes

she definitely inhales

cooks a mean taco

Piper and Susie

Grandma Joannie:

Me in your high heels

red velvet cakes, cottage cheese

nimble hands sewing

Grandma Marge:

Rolled out of the bus loo

panties at ankles, laughing

best clutz in the world

For Beatty:

No drugs for your birth

ultimate high of my life

your blue eyes worth it.

For Sloan:

I delight when I

look at you because in that

glimpse I see myself.

Mother's Day 2011

Mother's Day 2011 - 2

 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

ROCK ON.

Filed Under: Contests, Just Plain Awesomeness Tagged With: contests, haiku, Mother's Day, motherhood

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

March 30, 2011 By ace 1 Comment

S. ANDERSON, YOU WIN A GLUTEN-FREE GIFT OF RANDOMNESS!!

This amazing prize package includes:

  • A coupon for a free car wash
  • An iTunes gift card – $20
  • two packages of Fun Dip
  • one of our leftover family Christmas cards
  • a hardly used bottle of Wellbutrin

Just kidding, I won’t send my leftover pharmaceuticals in the mail. 

I will be loading up your prize and sending it off soon.  Please send me your mailing address at: piper@heraceinthehole.com

If you don’t give me your address, I will be forced to look for it in the phone book.  I know where you are, woman.  🙂

I promise the judging was totally fair.  I handwrote all the entries on a piece of paper and my husband and 5-year old son decided together their favorites.  The final pick came down to the husband.  It was a hard decision for him.  It took at least 5 minutes.

Here is the winning entry:

Gluten-free diet.
Pasta, pancakes, bread, and beer.
I miss you, my friends.

We here at the Benjamin/Toland house feel very sorry for S. Anderson and her gluten-free existence.  We don’t understand how she lives without pizza crust dipped in ranch dressing.  But we hope it makes her poop a little bit easier and fart less on her husband in bed.  THANKS FOR PLAYING!!!! 

I love contests.

I also love doing the sprinkler.

oh god she's pregnant

Filed Under: Contests Tagged With: contests, haiku

In The Meantime

March 29, 2011 By ace 4 Comments

Can I just say I love all the Haikus?

I mean, like all twelve of them.  But please note:  at least 80 people in the world have read your poetry!!  I am guessing that many visits by the stats on my dashboard.  🙂

Now, before I announce the big WEINER tonight, with neutral party husband being your judge, I have to share with you this super cute bag my sister brought me back from Thailand.  It is handmade and to die for.  I have a thing for owls.  I’m not to the point of crazy-lady collector who has owls ALL OVER HER HOUSE, but I do have at least five or six things.  I think that’s the start of a collection, folks.

I am saving this bag for Sloan because although I love it to death I just think it’s a little too whimsical for a 38-year old lady.  Non?

I must also note that my sister is so brave to take her kid all the way to Thailand ON HER DAMN LAP.  You would seriously have to drug me to do that.  I would be in the airplane bathroom trying to pull smokeless bong hits.  But to my hippie and frugal sister, it was worth the 23 HOURS OF MISERY.  And of course her kid is so cute and happy and fun that she says he was a perfect angel pretty much the whole time.  Sloan would have been hanging from the airplane ceiling by her fingernails hissing and spitting after nine hours.  I kid you not.

Here is my little owl friend:

owl bag

Thanks, Shea!

Filed Under: Contests, Ways I Embarrass My Family

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