I’m sure there are a million and one blog posts on this eve or tomorrow morning about the sanctity of motherhood, but let me tell you, Mother’s Day should not only be about breakfast in bed. It should be about a DAY OFF and a NIGHT AT A HOTEL and A MOVIE WITH POPCORN and lots of big kisses and no sass from your children. Because being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever done.
It is totally harder than being a middle school teacher, which I was for at least five years.
I’m not kidding.
I love my kids more than I love back rubs and sleep and spaghetti with mizithra cheese. I would step in front of a sharpshooter parked in a Buick across from some random gas station in Virginia to save them if I had to.
So, today to honor YOU MOMMIES – you people who may stumble across my little blog, you moms, you dads who have moms, you kids who may love your mom or resent your mom…let me tell you why moms ROCK. Then, we will get to a CONTEST and some haiku poems on the badassness of moms!! YES!!
Moms rock, because…
– we willingly wake up multiple times in the middle of the night to put a binkie in your mouth or hold you when you have a fever. This interrupted sleep may last for years. It is frightful, but we do it because you are worth it when you smile at us.
– we wipe your butts and private parts with love and make sure you are completely poo-free because we don’t want your beautiful soft skin to be irritated.
– we want to kill any little bastard that hurts your feelings at school. But we refrain because that little mean shit has a mother too.
– we sing to you to make you stop crying, even if it isn’t a real song and we make up words to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star”, like “Please shush up, you crying girl…”
– we feed you children way before we put food in our own hungry bellies, and most of the time we make do with your leftover noodles or applesauce or spit-out pieces of waffle.
– we push you out of our VAGINAS, which if you don’t know, is actually a very small orifice that happens to stretch to the size of a cantaloupe…or we have our bellies cut open to pull you out of tissues that might never be the same afterwards – EITHER WAY, THIS WHOLE DEAL IS BAD-ASS.
I want to tell you here, whether you are a mom or not, that I acknowledge each and every one of you fifteen people who read this blog. I probably know some of you, perhaps some of you I’ve never met…and right now many of you are nameless entities that I just guess about. But I want you to know that when I look at my dashboard and see that FIFTY people have visited my website in one day, something in me thrills. And maybe you know way too much about me already, but you need to know that I am grateful for this.
And because of this appreciation, I want to do a contest today. Please respond under this post in the “comments” section and write me a haiku poem about your mother, or your favorite mother, a grandmother, or perhaps your experience of being a mother. It can be light, it can be heavy. Either way, it’s all good.
I will number the entries and choose a winner at random. This winner gets the ultimate gift of randomness – something from my house or desk or drawers, or perhaps even, my favorite store!! YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. It depends on the day, my mood, and how the wind is blowing.
Remember, a haiku poem has 5-7-5 syllables in its three lines. If it’s not a true haiku, YOU DON’T QUALIFY, DUDE. Enter as many times as you like!
Contest will be closed on Tuesday at 5pm and winner will be announced at 7pm Mountain time. Here are my own Mother’s Day haikus, just for fun….
For mom:
Fits in high school clothes
she definitely inhales
cooks a mean taco
Grandma Joannie:
Me in your high heels
red velvet cakes, cottage cheese
nimble hands sewing
Grandma Marge:
Rolled out of the bus loo
panties at ankles, laughing
best clutz in the world
For Beatty:
No drugs for your birth
ultimate high of my life
your blue eyes worth it.
For Sloan:
I delight when I
look at you because in that
glimpse I see myself.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.
ROCK ON.
