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Her Ace in the Hole

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The Pretty in Pink Awards

March 9, 2013 By ace 2 Comments

Every year I have a friend who throws a party right around Valentine’s Day.  She calls it “Pretty in Pink” and it’s a girlie party for her girlfriends.  If there are any guys are reading this post right now, I’m sure they are rolling their eyes and thinking how strange women are.  Because most dudes would NEVER think of throwing a party and making fancy food and only inviting other guys.  Unless they are gay.  Which is totally cool.

Most females like to plan female-only events.  Girl trips, girl weekends, girl mani-pedi days, girl’s night out, Bunco for Drunkos, dessert parties, jewelry parties…you catch my drift.

[singlepic id=1484 w=520 h=440 float=center]

What most men don’t understand is that women have an inborn, visceral need to sit with other chicks and talk about life, co-workers, how unreasonable toddlers are, constipation, skincare, husbands, old boyfriends, shoes, hair growth, funny sex stories and “Duck Dynasty”.

Each year my friend pulls out her cardboard cutouts of Edward Cullen and Fabio.  We do all kinds of naughty things with them and appreciate how much fun it is to be around hot cardboard men who don’t speak.  I’m not sure how many more years Edward and Fabio are going to last, because we tend to get a little rough on the poor things as the night wears on and the champagne runs out.

This year, I am going to give out the first official Pretty in Pink Awards.  I’m inviting you to vote for your favorite and that person might even get a very special Her Ace in the Hole prize in the mail.  And please, everyone…you need to know that my prizes ROCK.

Here we go – my 2013 Pinkie Photo Winners:

Sweetest Face Which Hides a Very Dirty Sense of Humor

[singlepic id=1487 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Least Inhibited in Front of a Camera

[singlepic id=1486 w=420 h=340 float=center]

[singlepic id=1485 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Most Patient Subjects While Photographer is Hollering at Them to “LOOK HAPPY!!”

[singlepic id=1488 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Absolute Fearlessness in Making Horrible, Ugly Faces

[singlepic id=1489 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Best Attempt at a Decent Bootie Shot

[singlepic id=1483 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Most Awesome Pair of Shoes

[singlepic id=1482 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Most Successful Blogger in the Room

[singlepic id=1477 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Best Photo Bomb in an Already Effed-Up, Crazy-Ass Picture

[singlepic id=1481 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Best Speaker of a Foreign Language

[singlepic id=1480 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Winner of the Kick-Ass Accessory Award

[singlepic id=1478 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Fabio’s Choice for Favorite Dance Partner

[singlepic id=1479 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Most Awkward Attempt at Making a Friend

[singlepic id=1476 w=420 h=340 float=center]

Thank you, girls, for making my night so much fun and my hangover worth every Tylenol.  I don’t know what I’d do without my female homies.  For real.  Until next year…

Filed Under: Contests, Just Plain Awesomeness Tagged With: Edward Cullen, Fabio, Pretty in Pink, Valentine cakes

Mitt vs. Obama: Fashion Smackdown #2

October 25, 2012 By ace 1 Comment

Let’s all just beat ourselves over the heads with this election bullshit a little bit more.  Let’s keep doing it for two more weeks until we can race to our local churches, knock down some old people in our haste to vote, and wear that dumbass sticker that they give you as you walk out the door.  “I VOTED”

I’d rather have a sticker that says “OUR ELECTORAL PROCESS IS FUCKED UP!”

It’s time for fashion smackdown number two, where we take a look at Mitt and Barack’s neckwear.  I’ve noticed a trend recently, during the debates at least – Mitt wears red, Obama wears blue.  HOW FUCKING PREDICTABLE.  I mean, let’s just put a donkey hat on Obama and an elephant hat on Romney, why don’t we??

Case in point:

[singlepic id=1315 w=520 h=440 float=center]

And here again, same dance, different tune:

[singlepic id=1314 w=520 h=440 float=center]

I do give Obama a very slight edge on tie choices – believe me, I’ve looked at lots of pictures.  He tends to go for a little more snazz on the pattern and slight variation of shade.  However, Mitt has decided to make the the blogosphere go crazy with his choice of lapel pin.  You heard me, LAPEL PIN.

[singlepic id=1317 w=520 h=440 float=center]

Everyone’s all like, “OOOOOHHHH, WHAT’S THE DARK SPOT ON HIS PIN?” and yes, this has taken up people’s time and energy since they actually Googled it.  I will tell you what the damn spot is.  It’s a Secret Service lapel pin, which puts some kind of gem in a small star right in the middle of the American flag.  It’s not a booger.  Although that would be way more interesting.

I have to give Mitt a little credit for trying something new.  I know it’s wishful thinking to say he should have come out for one of the debates with an actual American flag necktie.  Now that would have taken some balls.  Speaking of balls, here is one of the more interesting ties Romney has worn during this election season.  I believe this was during one of the Republican candidate debates:

[singlepic id=1316 w=520 h=440 float=center]

I really think the textile choice was a good one for Mitt.  I bet the other candidates were quite intimidated by the small penises glaring at them from his necktie, like YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, I’M A PRO-LIFE BABY MAKER, BITCHES.

For the necktie fashion smackdown, I’m a little disappointed in both Obama and Romney.  They played it very predictable.  What’s it gonna take for a presidential candidate to come out on stage in a necktie like this?

[singlepic id=1313 w=420 h=340 float=center]

I’m so sick of all the red, white, and blue ties it makes me want to eat my toenails.  If someone strolled out in green or purple or something a bit more FORWARD, I would be captivated.  They might even score some voting poll brownie points.  Shallow, but true.  And if Romney had the gumption to come onstage for a debate in this outfit, I might have even written him a love letter:

[singlepic id=1274 w=520 h=440 float=center]

So because this smackdown is in a dead heat, we are going to go with the tie-breaker right here, where Obama bitch-slapped Romney with his necktie and then bent him over the podium and shoved his American flag lapel pin AND a bayonet right up his bunghole.

I mean, come on.  BEST MOMENT IN THE WHOLE DEBATE.

Piper was on the floor, hooting with laughter.

Barack, you win this fashion smackdown.

 

 

Filed Under: Contests, Useless Celebrity Knowledge Tagged With: Fewer Horses and Bayonets, Obama Romney fashion, Presidential neckties, Romney lapel pin

Gifts That Keep on Giving

April 22, 2012 By ace 2 Comments

A few things to say about gifts.

I love giving gifts.  I love giving funny gifts.  I love giving heartfelt gifts.  Gifting is great.

If I had all the money in the world, I would be out shopping for gifts and beautiful wrapping paper and bows and I would gift all my friends the most fantabulous things.  But I don’t have all the money in the world, so generally they don’t get shit.  I’m erratic that way.  But sometimes – and very randomly, that is – I will surprise a friend with a birthday gift that is at least six weeks late.

Speaking of gifts, DAVE won the “hotbox” contest from last week.  He will be receiving a gift of my choice in the mail very soon.  I am mulling over prize ideas for him as we speak and I’m hoping he will be very excited about it.  Because who wouldn’t be excited about leopard thong underwear, a whip, and some laxatives??

Here is one of my favorite gifts from the past year or so:

[singlepic id=1019 w=720 h=640 float=center]

You have to love this flask, because a) it’s funny, b) it’s very distinctly yours and your sticky-fingered friends can’t walk off with it at concerts, and c) you can put booze in it and take it to PTA meetings.  Didn’t you know that all the PTA moms in Utah show up to meetings with their flasks?  That and their Xanax.  UTAH ROCKS.

Thank you, Brigette.

 

 

Filed Under: Contests Tagged With: contests, friends, random

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