Procreation with Piper

Well, hello there!

I’m up in Portland at the moment, visiting my best bud Jen and her houseful of children and animals.

Speaking of children, remember how Jen looked a year ago?  Let me remind you:

Awwww…isn’t that cute?  So fresh and youthful, celebrating her new husband with a sentimental dance to something by Journey, so alive and full of energy, with great muscle tone to boot!

Here is Jen one year later:

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, KIDS, WHEN YOU DON’T USE A CONDOM.

Just kidding.  They TRIED to make the baby.  So it’s all good.  She mentioned last night that she was going to put on her wedding dress as a joke on her and Rob’s first anniversary, which led me to one of those thinking moments like, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT I’M SO CONFUSED.  Because if she tried to do that, the bodice of that white dress would be stuck somewhere up near her nose.

It is lots of fun to visit your 41-year old pregnant best friend.  She pees every ten minutes and eats Tums like they are Skittles.  We got to go shoe shopping yesterday because none of her boots will fit over her ankles and calves.  (See Jen, I did NOT say the word CANKLES.  You do not have cankles.  They are just a bit swollen.)  At the shoe store, I was like her personal assistant.  I was on the floor zipping and buckling shoes on her feet, as well as taking them off because she can’t bend over too well at this point.

Did I mention that Jen still has seven weeks to go?  Yowza.

Anyway, I bought myself two pairs of new boots because I figured I earned them through all the hard work crawling around on the floor and such.

We also get to play fun games while Jen is pregnant, like Peek-A-Boo and Scare Your Teenage Son Into Keeping His Willy In His Pants By Complaining Your Vagina Hurts.

That fifteen-year old son of hers is actually really funny.  He will also watch “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo” with me and ask hilarious things like,

“Are these people for REAL??”.

While Jen and I were beached upon her king-size bed yesterday, he wandered in to chat and Jen reminded me that I was not allowed to walk around the house in any sort of tank top that showed my nipples, because it really freaks Carter out.  Which got us to talking about the new baby and nursing and all, so she asked Carter what he was going to do when she had her boob hanging out with a baby attached to it for half of her waking hours.

And he responded, “Well, I don’t know…but at least I got to breastfeed when your boobs were young and fresh because I was first!!”

Now that shit is funny.  Carter and I laughed even harder when I told Jen that this new baby is going to be getting sloppy THIRDS when it comes to mealtime.  This is love and sacrifice, people.  Because I imagine those nipples* are a little tired.

I brought my camera with me, so today we are going to take some belly shots.  This is something I really haven’t done, and since I’m a pregnancy-photo novice, my instinct is to make it funny, because most of the time when you try to make it pretty it comes out something like this**:

DUDE.  I mean, it looks like this couple went into an Olan Mills studio with their beloved (?) tire to get this shot, so I wonder what the Olan Mills person was thinking when the pregnant lady started to strip down to…NOTHING.

I don’t want Jen to become an Internet laughingstock because of the bump pictures I take of her.

OK, maybe a small, little, miniscule part of me does.

But I won’t do it.  I promise.  I will get NORMAL, everyday, 8-month pregnant pictures of my best friend.  She didn’t really like the idea of me sitting her outside in the backyard and dumping a bucket of water on her head to symbolize how hard it is to try to get an outdoor shot in Portland, where it rains every minute of every day.  This idea made perfect sense to me.

I would really, really, REALLY love to re-enact this picture with Jen and Rob, but I know that penguins would be sledding in hell before it happens…

OH.  MY.  GOD.  There aren’t even words for the brilliance of this shot.  Ok, I guess one word comes to mind.

CREEPY.

But funny.

It is a metaphor for life!!  And having a human being growing inside your body!!  And giving birth to a very large human being out of a very small hole!!

CREEPY, but FUNNY.

I really cannot wait for this baby to be born.  We all think it is going to be a boy, but damn…a girl would be so much fun.  A very loud and opinionated baby girl who never shuts up and has an extremely loud volume, just like my little November Scorpio.  If Jen has herself a little female Scorpio, she can look forward to lots and lots of moments like this in the car…and she will have ME to call to vent to, because I’ve been there!

I’ve been there, sister!  AND I’VE SURVIVED.

That’s what friends are for.

*Jen, your nipples are NOT tired.  They are perky and young and wonderful.

**Thank you, Awkward Family Photos, for existing.