Sometimes I like to try to get a little reader interaction going on Her Ace in the Hole. Especially in the month of January, when I generally feel like sticking pins in my eyeballs or running out and buying a convertible Mini Cooper that will immediately get stuck in a snow bank on the side of I-15.
It’s a fun game, I promise. It’s called “Would You Rather?” and I’m sure you’ve played it at least once in your life. I used to play this game a lot with my friend Amy while we were sitting at bars. But our questions ran the gamut, like, would you rather eat a pound of raw mushrooms or a very small Chihuahua turd?
The only rule with my game is that you MUST pick between the two choices I’m offering you. It doesn’t matter if you’re a male or female – and I know I have at least a couple of male readers. (That means you, Jim.) And when I say “Would You Rather?”, you can use your very smart adult brain and figure out what I mean. I will give you a hint. It involves hiding the sausage or greeting the bearded clam or whatever state of undress you’d be forced into with that particular person.
And don’t worry, scaredy cats beloved readers, you don’t have to put your real name in the comments section. Use an alias. No one will ever know. So just have fun, because who gives a fuck?
Here we go!
WOULD YOU RATHER?? – JANUARY 2013
Question #1: Colonel Sanders
or Kenny Rogers? (not the old Kenny Rogers, the face-lift Kenny Rogers…which makes the choice a bit harder)
Question #2: Dolly Parton
or Delta Burke?
Question #3: Al Gore
or Bill Clinton?
Question #4: The Spice Girls?
or Bananarama?
Question #5: Flavor Flav?
or Lil Wayne?
Question #6: 1970′s Shaun Cassidy?
or 1970′s Donny Osmond?
Question #7: Britney Spears?
or Christina Aguilera?
Question #8: Kevin Federline?
or Jordan Bratman (Christina’s ex)?
LAST ONE. I PROMISE.
Question #9: Gary Busey?
or Donald Trump?
You can leave your answers to the survey in the comments section found at the top of this post. Thanks for playing. You will definitely make my weekend by doing so. CHEERS. And stay away from the raw mushrooms.
I wonder if he’ll forgive me for spelling his name wrong. And I wonder if he’d sign the poster I STILL HAVE.
I just can’t stop thinking about Sean Cassidy.
Kenny Rogers (if you close your eyes and let him sing anything is possible) Delta Burke, Bill Clinton, Bananarama, Bill Clinton, I’m too grossed out to pick either Lil Wayne of Flavor Flav, Shaun Cassidy, Britney, Jordan Bratman. I’m totally stealing your Donald Trump idea about scooping checks and purses and adding shoes to that list.
Some of these were so easy and some of them were frightening but my “pix” (I just wanted to say “pix”) are:
Colonel Sanders, Delta Burke, Bill Clinton, Bananarama, Lil Wayne (however the second hand smoke scares me), Shaun Cassidy, Britney, Jordan Bateman and if I have to choose Jordan then I give myself a pass on Skeletor Busey and Lady Trump because they’re just not right.
Forgot one-
BANANARAMA – Just picking the less of two evils, here.
KENNY – I suspect the Colonel is (was) strictly a missionary kind of guy.
DELTA – I wouldn’t out it past her to have “experimented” in college, therefore knowing her way around my biz.
BILL – You know he’s a dirty bird. Al would probably talk too much. And not in the good way.
LIL WAYNE – Flav has been too public about where he’s “been”. Though it might be too much work to get Wayne’s doped up willy ready for action.
SEAN CASSIDY – Are you kidding? My first true love.
OMG that’s Christina Aguilera???
BRITNEY- 2 words: Madonna. Kiss.
JORDAN – Wait. Is he circumcised? Hmm…. Nope, doesn’t matter. Still can’t go with KFed. Plus, if Jordan was married to Christina when she looked like a drag queen, he’s got to be a great guy.
GARY or DONALD – Tough call. On one hand, holy shit those teeth! On the other, well, see “the Colonel”. I’m going with GARY just for the bat shit crazy party factor.
I will have to participate in the fun. Just because.
1. THE COLONEL. Because that face-lift on Kenny is really creepy. He used to be hot.
2. DELTA BURKE. I’m afraid of what Dolly looks like with her wig off and I think Delta may be a little hot number in the sack.
3. AL GORE. I can picture Al relaxing back and smoking a cigarette after some good sex. I think Bill would be too clingy or need to go call Hilary.
4. BANANARAMA. Just because the Spice Girls make me want to get out a hatchet and chop their faces off.
5. LIL WAYNE. I imagine that Flavor Flav’s skin is pretty saggy and that weirds me out. But Lil Wayne would be so stoned the whole time it might be exhausting.
6. SHAWN CASSIDY. I wanted to do him when I was like six years old. Nuff said.
7. BRITNEY. Xtina’s tits and lipstick scare me way more than Britney’s vagina.
8. KEVIN FEDERLINE. But I would make him run 100 miles on a treadmill before he got any action.
9. TRUMP. I would drug him and chop off his hair. Then I would steal some checks from his desk and some purses from his wife’s closet. Gary Busey’s mouth is just too, too crazy ugly gross and he is completely insane. But I guess Trump is too.
Kenny. He knows when to hold em.
Dolly. That laugh.
Bananarama. I just imagine they smell better.
I’ve always had a crush on Al Gore. He did invent the interweb you know.
Lil Wayne. I think I might like how he Dew.
Sean Cassidy. Something about Donny feels incestuous.
Brittany. Christina would just make me feel too dirty.
Federline. He may be fat now but when he gets his ass in shape he looks pretty good.
I can’t just can’t answer the last one. Busey lookes like he would accidentally eat you. And the minute The Donald opened his mouth I would likely punch him. So No, no, no.
1. Food fantasy: Kenny for sure! But foreplay would have to include the Colonel’s original recipe chicken legs, mashed potatoes and Cole slaw. Better yet, on one of the tables in a Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant.
2. Dolly for sure. This game gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘Dollywood’!
3. This would be one hell of combo for my first threesome! Then again, All would probably just be droning on about global warming, so I’ll go with Slick Willy.
4.Bananarama is really tempting, but c’mon. The Spice Girls offer something for any mood you might be in! Is a 5:1 even possible?
5. Pass (I’m afraid I’d never come back)
6. Sean Cassidy. Donny would make it Mormon on Mormon crime and then I’d have to confess
7. Brittany. That pic of Christina caused major shrinkage.
8. Eeny meeny miny moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers let him go and my mother said that this is a really gross choice. Ok. Jordan. Yuck.
9. Trump. I just want to pull his hair from behind!
Kenny, Dolly, Clinton, Spice Girls, Lil’ Wayne, Donny, Christina, Jordan, Gary.
Let me start out by saying, EWWWW. Now that that is out of the way, here goes:
(1) Kenny for sure. The Colonel is like a grandfatherish dude.
(2) Dolly because of the boobs. And maybe she’d take me to Dollyworld.
(3) Bill for sure. No question. And I’d do him anyway.
(4) Spice Girls because, well, it’s the Spice Girls. And maybe Posh Spice would let me touch her husband.
(5) Lil Wayne because Flavor Flav is just gross. Really really really gross.
(6) Shaun Cassidy. Now if the choice was between Donny and Marie, I’d probably choose Donny. All those dolls freak me out.
(7) This is where I’m going to diverge from Darby. I’d go with Britney hands down. Brittney’s kiss with Madonna was super hot and way better than Xtina’s. Actually, Xtina scares me.
(8) Kevin. Probably. But only the hot Kevin. Not the gross fat one you pictured. If it’s that one then I’d have to go with Jordan.
(9) I think I’d kill myself before having to choose between Gary and Donald. But I suppose if I HAVE to choose, I’d go with Donald. I could steal and sell something from one of his houses and probably never have to work again.
Duuuude! I could have lived out my life in happy bliss without that picture of Britney Spears hinterlands. Gross.
KENNY – I like the Colonel’s chicken better, but at least the new Kenny is still alive. I’m no sick-o, I don’t do dead people.
DOLLY – I am still waiting for my moment with her. Besides, she’ll die first, and then I can pick Delta.
BILL CLINTON. – I have a cigar in my freezer I’ve been saving for him.
SPICE GIRLS – More breasts and I like the way that bitchy one looks standing next to that soccer guy she married.
LIL WAYNE – I wanted to pick Ali. G, but since that wasn’t a choice, I choose the firmer option.
SHAUN CASSIDY – Can I go back and make all my previous picks Shaun Cassidy? I’ve wanted to jump him since I was 10.
CHRISTINA – She can probably sing with her little va-jay-jay… Britney’s would have some equipment up all in there.
JORDAN BRATMAN – I’m a sucker for Jewish Boys and he can confirm my suspicious about Aguilera’s singing coochie.
DONALD TRUMP – I’m just going with my gut on this one… he’s better.
I need a cigarette…
Busey