I’ve sadly realized I’m on the road to losing tons of readers due to my pathetic lack of posting lately. There are many things to blame. The traveling. The vomiting two-year old. And the fact that some days I look at my computer and think I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO OPEN YOU UP. Not because of the blog, but because I don’t want to be reminded from my online banking there is no money in my checking account. I blew it all on the taco truck.
Speaking of strange energy wrapped in a little bit of sadness, did you see the London Olympics closing ceremonies? It was totally like a big awesome rock concert aimed right at people MY AGE. All the old names! All the 80′s bands! (Note: Spice Girls, you do not qualify as a band because you do not play instruments nor did you make more than one album.)
The musical extravaganza sort of made up for the very boring and very bizarre opening ceremonies. I mean, WHAT THE HELL?? Men in top hats and pocket watches wandering around a grassy knoll quoting Shakespeare??
We watched a lot of Olympics at my house this July. It was almost like a scene straight out of the fifties. The enthralled family gathering around the television set with popcorn and TV trays. Except it wasn’t a black and white television set and I wasn’t wearing an apron. And unlike Donna Reed’s husband, my husband was telling me I am the person to blame because my seven-year old son farts very loudly and thinks it’s hysterical.
Now that the London Olympics are over, I’d like to bring up a few items for discussion. Perhaps you’d care to comment.
1. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #1: Was Misty May-Treanor paid a small royalty each time she had the camera on her face and she shouted, “GO DODGERS!!”?? I think so.
2. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #2: Did you see the strange rectangular tattoos on the backs of the divers? Some were light red, some were blue. I was really fascinated by this. I was sure they were tattoos. Furthermore, I imagined they were tattoos made by aliens, since they were so strange and blocky and big. Like the aliens were trying to tell other aliens, this one has already been probed.
Update: My friend said she thought these “tattoos” were actually athletic tape, and I’m pretty sure she’s right. This is highly disappointing to me.
3. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #3: When and how did Bob Costas receive a plastic face transplant? This is highly curious. I bet it was expensive.
4. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #4: Why were all the runners in the 1500 meter race wearing bright yellow shoes? Was this required?
5. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #5: Who will be the next former Olympian to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”? My vote is for weight lifter Holley Mangold.
You think I’m saying this to be rude, but I’m not. I’m saying this because Holley Mangold KICKS ASS and I bet she’s a pretty damn good on her feet because she used to play a lot of football. I’m tired of seeing perfect backs and perfect biceps and perfect legs of professional athletes on DWTS. They can suck it. I’d rather watch Holley because she at least has a sense of humor.
6. OLYMPIC MYSTERY #6: How the hell can a human being run twenty miles per hour? I mean, I don’t think I’d be able to run that fast even if I trained every day of my life AND had a naked rapist wielding a bloody axe and a herpes-covered penis chasing me. (That sentence reads very awkwardly. I know.)
There are definitely ways we could improve upon the Summer Olympic Games. I figure if they have given race walking, trampolining, synchronized swimming, and tug-of-warring a go, they could perhaps consider the new events I’m suggesting below.
Actually, add to my list that the IOC needs to bring back tug-of-war as an official event. That would be AWESOME. Especially with a huge mud puddle in the middle of the teams.
New Olympic Event #1: Best/Biggest Veneers
I know this event would give an unfair advantage to highly populated/developed countries, but it may also stimulate the dental industry in others. The United States would hands-down have a great chance to sweep the medals in this category. We have some good fake teeth, people. If I were the U.S. Veneer event coach, I would send these individuals into battle:
Each of the above definitely has their own toothy flair. U.S.A!! U.S.A!! U.S.A.!!
New Olympic Event #2: Strangest Musical Group Names
This might be fun. I suppose the band would have to dress in their typical costumes/clothing, mount the stage, and say their band name out loud three times without laughing. So, even though the Brits would probably not medal in the tooth competition, they have a HUGE chance of kicking ass at this one. Case in point:
However, the Russians may edge them out with the girls known as…
Photo credit: Igor Mukhin
New Olympic Event #3: Mini-Cooper Stuffing
Sort of like the clowns in the VW Bug at the circus, but better – and on a global scale. No floppy shoes, no crazy makeup – just a bunch of really small people in Speedos shoving themselves as creatively as possible into the car. You think this requires no training or strategy?? HA. Tell that to the athletes who will have to starve themselves for weeks beforehand and then have a teammate’s ass or crotch in their face for longer than thirty seconds.
Photo credit: topspeed.com
I’m not far off people. This Mini Cooper thing already has a Guiness Book world record holder. Check it out. You can even find video of the people stuffing themselves into the car on YouTube.
THOSE PEOPLE WOULD TOTALLY EARN THAT GOLD MEDAL. And instead of getting weepy about all the hardships and sacrifices and tragic setbacks the athletes have endured to get to the Olympics, we might actually laugh for a change.