I’m going to prove to you today that watching reality TV is not a waste of time.
The other day when I was watching Auction Kings on the History channel I learned that in the 1970’s there was such a thing as Billy Beer.
First of all, just the name “Billy Beer” tickles my fancy. So uniquely American. So awesomely redneck. Like you imagine yourself with a cooler full of Billy Beers as you hunt alligators on your homemade pontoon boat.
But then you have the whole fantastical story behind Billy Beer, which is even better.
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Billy Beer was named after the beer-swilling, gas station-owning brother of President Jimmy Carter. Someone decided to attempt to capitalize on the Carter name and brew up a beer in honor of good old redneck boys everywhere. They even featured Billy Carter in their commercials. I’ve seen them. He was just BEYOND WORDS.
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They brewed a shitload of this beer, which ended up not tasting very good. And that resulted in lots of American men putting cases of Billy Beer in their garage and forgetting about them. On Auction Kings, some guy was trying to auction off an old dusty case of Billy Beer, which the appraiser claimed was worth nothing. NOTHING. It wasn’t a collectible in any sense. The beer expert told the guy he could pour out all the beer and recycle the aluminum cans for a buck or two.
What the hell??? No way, man. We Americans are way more nostalgic than that.
So somebody ended up paying $125 for the old case of beer at auction, which made me proud to be an American. I would totally pay for an old case of useless Billy Beer, and I would somehow display it proudly in my home. A true conversation piece, my friends.
Speaking of conversation pieces, I recently had a brilliant idea of a way to create one of our own. One of my clients, Elpitha Tsoutsounakis, is a professional printer and design instructor at the University of Utah’s School of Architecture. She works on a Vandercook No. 3 letterpress, so each paper and ink project she creates is like your own little piece of original art.
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I asked Elpitha last week if anyone has ever asked her to print up an order of stationery that said
From the Desk of – Snarky Bitch
She sort of laughed and said no. And then I asked her if she would be willing to do that for me, and of course she said yes. I mean, I’m guessing that a printer would print pretty much whatever you wanted on paper if you were paying them what they asked. It doesn’t bother me if they choose not to display it in their portfolio or anything.
So the more I thought about having beautiful thick paper that said From the Desk of Snarky Bitch, the more I liked the idea. I imagined a piece of it in a really great frame hanging on one of my walls. Then I imagined me writing
“Dear Piper: You kick ass. Love, Piper“
on the paper and then framing it. You could even write and frame a great letter to Oprah and Gayle King. Or a quick snarky note to Gisele Bundchen. The possibilities are endless.
YOUR OWN PIECE OF SNARKY ART.
Let me know if you want to kick in ten bucks and we will create an order for Elpitha. I will get that letterhead printed and mail you off your individual sheets. We can then frame our printing press art as we see fit, and you will send me a picture of how you used it (please, someone send a note to that girl in college who slept with your boyfriend), and we will show it all off here on Her Ace in the Hole.
Our very own prideful snark club.
I know you want to join. Cough it up, peeps.