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Skeletons

July 29, 2012 by 3 Comments

My dad brought a bunch of old pictures to give me when he was here two weeks ago, and for some reason I ended up with this one of my cousin Missy and an old boyfriend of hers.

missy-and-scott

I kept texting Missy – yes, after a few glasses of wine - telling her I wanted to send her a picture of something.  Since she doesn’t have a phone with photo viewing capabilities, (sidenote: WHAT THE FUCK.  YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER FOR INTEL.) I have decided I will just post the old thing here on my blog.

Cousin Missy has offered to go to Australia with me, which is on my bucket list.  I would love to travel with Missy.  We could earn extra beer money beating unassuming dudes at pool in Australian pubs, laugh about who stinks up the hotel bathroom the worst, and eat cheeseburgers for breakfast.   Missy suggested we tour around Australia in custom-made t-shirts which have a naked picture of us together when we were three years old.

I have a better idea.  I think we should have t-shirts printed up with THIS picture on them, and for the caption we will say,

missy-and-scott

 

“I DATED DIRK DIGGLER.  I KNOW YOU’RE JEALOUS“

I’m glad my family members have a sense of humor, because sometimes I wonder what the hell else would I write about on this website since I don’t have dogs and I don’t like Rush Limbaugh.

PS – Missy, can we fly first class?

 

 

Filed Under: Ways I Embarrass My Family Tagged With: ,

40 Thoughts

July 26, 2012 by 7 Comments

LET’S PRETEND THIS WAS POSTED YESTERDAY.  I TRIED MY HARDEST. 

 

Today is my birthday.  And I’m forty.  It’s a list kind of day.

 40 THOUGHTS ON MY FORTIETH BIRTHDAY

1.  I’m going to try to be thoughtful sane reflective funny upbeat clear even though it might be hard to do so.

2.  Because I’m sick with a cold.  I feel like shit.

3.  Who gets a COLD IN THE SUMMER?  It is so dumb.

4.  I read an article in Rolling Stone last night on global warming and the current atmospheric/temperature/carbon numbers.  It was pretty depressing.  We’re pretty much fucked.

5.  So what will we do when we have to live in underground tunnels because we will fry if we attempt to live on the Earth’s surface?  Where will the Kardashians film their TV shows??

6.  I should be more politically involved.  I feel guilty about this sometimes.

7.  I give myself a break because my sister is politically active enough for both of us.  I let her do all the work.

8.  Deep down, I only want to be politically involved if I am running for U.S. Congress.  And when I’m campaigning I want to wear awesome campaigning clothing and be completely blunt and want to be the person the news trucks love to chase because she calls the other candidate a “blabbering idiot with his head stuck up his poop shute“.

9.  That’s kind of sad.  I’d like to think I’d really say stuff like that, though.

10.  Political arguments and no action frustrate me.

11.  I’m going to go take some cold medicine.

12.  The cold medicine knocked me on my ass.  It is now fourteen hours later.

13.  I’m pretty happy to be forty.  It’s a good number.

14.  That last one sounded pretty stupid.  I mean, I realized yesterday that I’m fairly happy with where I’m at in life.  I am glad I’m forty.  I feel balanced and happy with life.  I like who I am.  I like who is in my life.

15.  Three years ago I used to worry a lot more.  I worried about stuff I wasn’t doing.  I worried about friendships.  I worried that people didn’t like me or didn’t respect me or that I wasn’t important to them.

16.  I don’t really worry about that stuff anymore.

17.  It feels nice not to worry.

18.  A picture representation of my current state of mind:

happy-40

 

19.  I think I dress a hell of a lot better now at forty than I did at twenty.  A HELL OF A LOT BETTER.

granny-outfit_0

 

20.  Feel free to tease me about the floral granny outfit and white pantyhose.

21.  You can also feel free to tease that guy in the picture, because I’m not married to him.  I have his email if you want it.

22.  Some days it shocks me that I’ve been out of college for almost twenty years.  I don’t feel that old.  Hell, I feel like I should still be going to fraternity parties and studying for tests.

23.  There are a lot of things I’d like to do before I get too old or too tired to try them.

24.  Like go scuba diving.

25.  Like go to a huge music festival and party like a rock star.

26.  Like be a rock star.  One who doesn’t have to play an instrument.

27.  Learn how to play an instrument.

28.  Find someone who will pay me to write for them.

29.  Learn more about photography.

30.  I should also appreciate my mother more.

31.  I need to start making some kick-ass family photo and memory books.  Even though I’ve been saying this for three years.

32.  Go to Australia.  I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.

33.  Watch less TV.  But if I am going to watch TV, I should watch more Jon Stewart and less Bachelorette.

34. This reminds me, I have to write a post on the final Bachelorette.  Because she chose the guy from Utah and I just about had a heart attack and died on my living room floor because I was so happy.  I want to be one of Emily’s bridesmaids.

35.  I have lots of experience being a bridesmaid.  I never keep the dresses.

36.  This cold is really, really kicking my ass.  I feel horrible.

37.  When I’m sick I generally just want people to leave me alone.  This is quite conflicting when you have kids.

38.  Someday I think I will post a video of myself singing all my good Chi Omega drinking songs.  You would like them.

39.  This post is kind of sucking.  I’m sorry.

40.  I’m going to finish with a photo and a conversation with my sister following the cutting of the cake.  My family is insane.  Truly.  I love that more and more as I get older.  CRAZY IS ENTERTAINING.

piper-40-cake

SHEA (my sister):  *looking at my birthday cake*  What’s a cougar?

ME:  Are you serious??

SHEA:  Yeah.  I don’t know what that means.

ME:  God!  Where have you been??  Everyone knows what a cougar is!!

BRAD:  A cougar is like an older woman who preys on younger guys.

SHEA:  OH!  Ok.  You guys have been keeping me in the dark!  I’m SO out of the loop.  Oh yeah…the other day I learned another new word.  One that I’ve never heard of before.  MUFF DIGGER.

ME:  What?!  Muff digger?  Do you mean muff DIVER?

SHEA:  Ummm…yeah, I guess so.  Yeah, muff diver!

ME:  That’s totally old.  No one says muff diver anymore.  Who the hell were you discussing muff divers with anyway??

SHEA:  Terry.  *me looking puzzled*  You know, TERRY…the homeless guy that mom hangs out with at the park!

 

AND THAT IS MY FAMILY, EVERYONE. 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: OMG! I'm a Suburban Mom!!, Useless Celebrity Knowledge Tagged With: ,

A Happy Habit

July 24, 2012 by 3 Comments

We all appreciate different friends for different reasons, and one reason I appreciate Stacia is because she is willing to play along with my ridiculous texting conversations.  She doesn’t give up on me.  Know why?

BECAUSE I AM FUCKING PERSISTENT.

I draw this shit out for like four days at a time.

You’re probably lucky I don’t have your phone numbers.

 

On Vegas, Marriage, and Pubic Hair:

ME:  Dude.  Do you want to go to a free jazz concert tonight?

STACIA:  On my way to Vegas.  But thanks.

ME:  What’s in Vegas?  Besides prostitutes?  Don’t accidentally get married, ya hear?

STACIA:  My good friend is getting married.  I tried to talk her out of it.

ME:  Ha ha ha.  Hilarity.  Good for you.  If Elvis marries them, please take pictures.

STACIA:  Elvis IS marrying them.  It’s at the Graceland chapel!!

ME:  Fuck yeah.  Tell her to wear a long black wig so she looks like Priscilla Presley.  I hope Elvis is gross and sweaty and wears lots of rings.

STACIA:  Me too!  She does have long dyed black hair.

ME:  Well, it seems meant to be then.  Give Elvis a kick in his fat ass for me.  PICTURES!

(one day later)

ME:  I thought of some other things that are in Vegas.  Dirty hotel carpet, free gin, and spandex.

(another day later)

ME:  I forgot to ask…did you find any stray pubes in your Vegas hotel bed?  Because I asked the hotel concierge to sprinkle some in there for you.

STACIA:  Dude!  You are so sweet to think of me.  But people who stay at the Monte Carlo don’t have pubes.

ME:  Why??  Because they’re too old and they all fell out?  That happens when you get old, you know.

STACIA:  No.  It’s because they are all super young and hot and they wax the shit out of that.

 

I’m still suspicious about this last response.  Because I’m pretty sure I’m right about the Monte Carlo. 

Filed Under: Random Acts of Tard, Why You Should Be My Friend
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