Today is one of those mornings when it’s 9:45 am and we’re already pushing ninety degrees. I’m a sweaty mess and my kids are screaming at each other. My toilet is dirty. I don’t know what I’m going to make for dinner and I’m sort of dreading it because it may involve using my stove and then I resort to drinking lots of white wine with ice cubes in it instead of going to Zumba class.
No Zumba = no wine calories burned
Do you SEE where my life gets all screwed up??
I would give my left ear and a dance around the neighborhood naked for some central air. No, we don’t have central air. We have a swamp cooler. Raise your hand if you know what a swamp cooler is.
The only people whose hands are up are from Utah.
The fancy name for a swamp cooler is an evaporative cooler. It’s this huge machine that sits on our roof. It has an internal pump for water and a turbine thingy that spins and it’s supposed to send cool, moist air down through one big vent. In theory, all the cool air coming in through this vent is supposed to spread out through the house in a uniform manner. As if.
When the clock reaches 3pm, the swamp cooler starts cussing and wheezing and calling me a tramp, and then it decides to send down scorching ninety-five degree air from the heavens. I figure this is because it hates me and wishes it lived in Maine where it wouldn’t have to work so hard.
I think a swamp cooler is a device that some Utah
pioneer cheapo cruel fucker handyman invented to save money in the false hope that it would cool his house with a simple fan and moisture since moisture is what we have very little of in this state. When you compare a swamp cooler to central AC, it costs like one-eighth the price to run it all day long. Which is great. But you also have to factor into the equation that the only place in the house where you feel relief is right underneath the swamp cooler’s vent. And then you can figure you actually lose money because instead of being productive and working or raising your children to become functioning tax-paying members of society, you are laying naked on the hallway floor under the vent with a book and a glass of ice water.
It could be much worse, I know. I could be stuck in my tent-trailer for the entire summer, which sort of feels like a large version of an Easy-Bake oven. Or I could live in Phoenix, Macon, Tallahassee, or just the plain old BOWELS OF HELL.
Which I think was the real intention of the inventor of the swamp cooler. I’m pretty sure his ulterior motive was to make Gentiles like me suffer and cry at the ineptitude of their evaporative coolers since we don’t tithe and we don’t wear fancy sacred undergarments. He wanted to give us a small taste of what is to come. I’m sure his offspring and their offspring are sitting in houses with central air conditioning laughing their asses off while spending their swamp cooler royalties on expensive chocolates and lots of ice cream.
Little do they know, I will have the last laugh regarding the lowly swamp cooler. Not only will I sweat off three pounds indoors – I will be drinking ice water instead of eating expensive chocolates, reading lots of books, and my power bill WILL STILL BE LOWER THAN THEIRS.
As my good friend Charlie Sheen would say…WINNING!!