While I was down in Grand Cayman, I had the pleasure of sitting on the beach and doing some people watching. Checking out your fellow mankind on the beach is the best. It reminds you that we all come in different shapes and sizes, and while visiting the beach, most of us generally don’t give a shit and just let it all hang out.
Especially those Europeans.
I love their banana hammocks.
I’m totally serious, though. Just like a lot of you, I sit around and obsess and worry and fret about how I look in a bathing suit, especially before I go on a beach-centered vacation. I stand in front of my mirror at home and grab the skin around my stomach, pinch my thighs, shake by butt around to see how much it can jiggle, and wonder if it would be a fashion wrong to wear Spanx while playing on the shore.
I suppose instead of funny that the Spanx would just make me look insane. Especially if I put my bikini on right over the suckers.
I have decided that since the gym has fallen out of my routine in the past few months, I’m going to make up a brand-new exercise schedule that works for me. I am going to get creative and do things around the house since most days we are pretty much trapped here for three hours while Sloan naps. (I am NOT bitching about the nap. I LOVE NAP TIME.) Here are my ideas:
1) Force myself to go downstairs and play Just Dance 3 on the Wii for thirty minutes. Note to self: wear a jogging bra to prevent scaring the kids and their friends.
2) Instead of just plain walking around the front yard or back yard, do walking lunges.
3) Tell Beatty he can tell me to drop and give him ten push-ups whenever I say the word “shit”.
4) Assume plank position while I wait for the kids’ toast to cook in the toaster oven.
5) Squat/hover over my toilet when I use the bathroom.
6) While watching the Wiggles, do those standing abdominal crunches that Billy Blanks was so fond of.
I figure that along with my green coffee bean supplements and my determination to drink water more often, some of the voluptuousness below my rib cage will just melt away.
What are green coffee beans, you ask? Perhaps you should visit my friend the Zadge’s website and read all about them. All I know is that when I read they come from a company called Pure Health and they are a natural metabolism booster, I’m in. Plus, the Zadge has been using the green coffee beans for a few months now and she swears they have melted her muffin top away. Plus, she hasn’t dropped dead of a heart attack. This gives me complete confidence in the product.
If I had treadmills in my basement, I would totally spend my exercise time choreographing awesome dances to share with you. Like this one:
Wish me luck and send your advice in the comments section. Perhaps you have even better calorie-burning ideas than me.
Oh…and when I say “obsessing” at the top of this post, don’t go and get yourself all worried. Because most days I’m pretty kind and forgiving with myself. Because, hey, I DIG ME. I’m not half bad. I figure sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and say DAMN, RAISING KIDS IS EXHAUSTING…and then go enjoy that cheeseburger.