My blogger friend Meg over at The Members Lounge has agreed to a fun and wacky summer project with me. This project will involve watching all the episodes of “The Bachelorette” and drinking lots of gin. At least I will be drinking lots of gin. It makes watching mind-numbing shows like The Bachelorette much more fun.
We will watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights so you don’t have to. See how we are always thinking of our readers? If you want to watch, go ahead, but don’t play any silly drinking games like taking a shot every time Emily plays with her hair because dude, YOU WILL BE WASTED.
Emily is the girl who fell in love with the Texas bar-owner Brad Womack who was the star of The Bachelor a few seasons ago. She’s a single mom who had a baby at like age nineteen, and her husband (boyfriend?) was a race car driver who died in a plane crash. Very tragic. Anyhow, Brad Womack chose Emily and proposed to her and then things fell apart within a year of the show ending. I imagine that Brad was not ready to grow up and
stop screwing bar flies be a daddy, since Emily has made it very clear to the new crop of men that her life goal is to push out lots more babies and be a mommy and bake chocolate chip cookies and be married forever and ever and ever.
Meg mentioned in her blog that Emily reminds her of Scarlett O’Hara. I will agree with her for the most part, because the ya’lls are there and the accent is there, but I will add that Emily is Scarlett O’Hara with huge white veneers and very short shorts.
Emily said in this last episode that she “doesn’t have many talents” but that she is a good mom. Which made me sort of snort and barf into my gin and tonic. PLEASE, EMILY, don’t do this to me. JESUS. I don’t know where to start with this statement. It’s just wrong. Being a mom and surviving it ALONE is a huge talent. So there.
Meg and I have decided to post our top ten moments from each episode of the Bachelorette, as well as nominate a winner and loser of the week. We will also pose a few questions to each other since our spouses understandably refuse to watch this show with us and there undoubtedly will be many questions in our minds after each Monday night love-fest. I guess we will answer each other’s questions in each subsequent post. You get to compare our top ten moments, and if more than four match up in any given week, you win a FREE MINIATURE PONY!
I’m kidding. I probably won’t send you a miniature pony. But I’m into prizes, so if you play the game I might send you something.
Let’s get going since I’m already two weeks behind on this. Which shouldn’t surprise you.
TOP 10 MOMENTS FROM THE BACHELORETTE – EPISODE THREE:
1) One bachelor lets his freak flag fly by saying, “She looks unbelievable in a harness. I mean, I don’t think anyone can wear a harness better than she’s wearing it right now!” – bachelor Chris (and closet bondage enthusiast), age 25
2) The directors of the show make me want to vomit by having Emily’s mom serve her a healthy, low-carb breakfast in bed.
3) Toward the end of the episode, Oompa Loompa bachelor Alessandro stumbles all over himself when trying to explain that being a father to Emily’s daughter would be “a compromise”.
4) Her friend Wendy (who happens to give the best dirty looks ever) asks the bachelor nicknamed “Wolf” if he’s ever cheated on a girl. And he pauses soooo long before he says “no” that she immediately announces, “You’re OUTTA HERE.” Then he hangs his head in shame.
5) Emily’s friend Wendy (her again) drooling over bachelor Sean. She makes him take off his shirt. She makes him do push-ups while she sits on his back. She asks him what his superpower would be and then tells him he’d look good in a cape. Wendy totally wants to give Sean a test-drive for Emily.
6) Bachelor Stevie (a “party MC”…is that a DJ?) doing the pop and lock for Emily’s girlfriends at the park. This guy is a joke. Why the hell is he still around??
7) Emily saying that Dollywood is her “happiest place on Earth”. Dolly Parton’s boobies agree.
8) Bachelor Kalon getting intellectually snippy with Emily at the final cocktail party and telling her, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.” Wow. What a dumbass.
9) Emily feeling sorry for bachelor Tony who was missing his 5-year old son and crying into his beer about it all. He did this so often she finally sat him down and gently sent him home. And he didn’t seem to understand what she was doing, but thank God she did because there was NO sexual chemistry there. I mean, I’m sure he’s a great dad, but he reeked of strange to me.
10) Over-confident bachelor Ryan telling Emily she’d better not get fat after they get married. Because he would “still love her, but not love on her” as much. This guy is really a piece of work. He needs to take his hair gel and muscles and skeedaddle. He’s a tool.
WINNER OF THE WEEK:
It’s a toss-up between bachelor Arie (who escorted Emily to Dollywood and got some good make-out time during this episode) and bachelor Sean (who impressed her friends, won a date rose, and said the right thing about Emily’s daughter after Alessandro was booted out).
LOSER OF THE WEEK:
Bachelor Alessandro would be an obvious pick, but I’m going to pick bachelor Kalon since things were going pretty well for him until he opened his haughty dumb-ass mouth and said the comment to Emily I mentioned above. The other guys don’t like this dude and even though Emily is attracted to him I think his days are numbered.
QUESTIONS FOR MEG at THE MEMBERS CLUB:
1) What the hell is the story with the dude who kept carrying around a huge egg? I don’t get it. What did I miss in the first episode about this? SO STRANGE.
2) How many more outdoor country music concerts do you think the producers will round-up for this season? Because Emily needs to stand on the streets of Charleston and slow-dance a little bit more.
3) How do you suppose Emily supports herself and her daughter?? Because I get the impression that she is just a stay-at-home mom…
4) What do you think of bachelor Jef from Utah? The one with the crazy pompadour? I gotta root him on a little since he’s my hometown guy. Even though his parents were smoking crack when they spelled his name that way. Seriously. That’s such an embarrassing Utah thing.