A text conversation between me and my friend Stacia today. I apologize if I’m the only person in the world who finds this hilarious:
**DISCLAIMER: Dad, stop reading now. Thank you.**
ME: Guess what? I’m getting boobies next week! I’m not fucking kidding. You will have to come over and lay in bed with me and we can smoke pot while I recover.
STACIA: Awesome! I was just talking about getting boobies last weekend!
ME: Ha ha ha! Mine are gonna be awesome. Like DDD’s.
STACIA: Fuck yeah!!
ME: We should get boobies together!! A boobie party!!
STACIA: We can chant “boobies boobies boobies!” in our percocet-induced haze!
ME: Would you be mad if I post this conversation?? Cause that shit is funny. Titties rock.
STACIA: Dude!!! You post that shit right now muthafucka!!!
ME: You’ve been around Snoop Dogg a lot this weekend. I can tell. You’re a skeezer. And a ho. I’m totally going to Coachella next year with you. And I’m gonna bitch slap Paris Hilton. With one of my huge knockers.
STACIA: Dude!!! For fucking sure!