Just to wrap up the week.
OMG, I love wrapping up the week. Especially when my son’s teacher pisses me off, he has a ton of work to do and not the attitude to match it, and swimming lessons at 5:35 pm twice this week. As if walking into the Holladay Lions ninety-degree pool room/sweat lodge in three layers of clothing and dragging a toddler lands at the top of my list of things that makes mommy want to squeal with delight. We are also finishing out a week of bronchial pneumonia with Sloan. Oh yes, and the lovely basal cell carcinoma on my chest that I have to go have surgery on next week. Margaritas, anyone?
I keep seeing these movie trailers for “Breaking Dawn” in the Twilight series, on the On Demand channel, of course. Not that I watch anything on demand. The trailer when they are getting married and then he so very romantically scoops her up to take her to the bedroom and ravish her. As I’m watching this, the first thought that pops in my mind is…HOW THE HELL DOES HE GET A BONER?? He is a vampire, people.
I know that the teenagers who are reading these books just want to ignore the glaringly obvious fact that Edward is a vampire and it has been said in the books a million times he is pale as a ghost because he DOESN’T HAVE BLOOD IN HIS BODY. HE IS IMMORTAL.
This type of irrational thinking and convenient forgetting is so typical. Sort of like how teenagers want to think if they pull their wankers out while having sex or if the girls run and douche afterwards that all those little spermies are not gonna make it up those three inches to the young and ever-so-vibrant egg. AS IF. THAT EGG IS JUST BEGGING TO BE FERTILIZED.
So these teenagers (and pathetic moms like me who read these books) want to imagine that Edward is so magical that he pops some wood just because he is in love. It doesn’t matter that to get a hard-on, he needs some blood down there. Then my second thought is that perhaps Stephenie Meyer meant for Edward to walk around all the time with a permanent boner and only the smart people (like me) figure this out. A permanent boner, to me, would be very UNSEXY.
Edward does break all the vampire rules in general, so maybe he just hides it very well and since Bella is always describing his body as hard…then you get the picture. The hardness between his legs. His six inches of steel to match his steely abs and biceps. His love drill. His pecker popsicle. I’m sure Edward has a very cold boner because Bella is always describing in the book how cold he is to the touch. I’m sure that cold pecker feels all kinds of good poking around up in her beef curtains. Sort of like a trip to the ObGyn who wields a chilly speculum.
“Pardon my husband, Edward…he seems to be sporting some tent action in his pants. Edward, tuck that thing back in your specially starched underwear. Thank you, darling.”