Before I begin my diatribe on the Wiggles, I want to pause and say thank you. Thank you to those two or three people who leave comments after my posts. When I see on my stats that there are actually 97 people who have visited my blog in one day, it just blows what is left of my charred brain cells. And makes me so happy.
And comments make me so happy and giddy that I want to kind of run out in the street and shake my titties around for the neighbors to gawk at. Like, “Hey bitches, three people commented on MY WEBSITE today!! Hardee har har!!”
This post is about The Wiggles. If you are a parent, you definitely know who The Wiggles are. If you are twenty-something…you still probably do. Here they are:
And did you know these guys make TONS and TONS of this?
I’m not kidding. No wonder they are waving their fingers around in their signature fashion and giving those shit-eating smiles. Those fucking bastards raked in $45 million dollars in 2009. FORTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. Oh my god. I would totally dress up in their retarded outfits and mug for the camera and sing mindless songs for that. And pretend that I love pre-schoolers. NO JOKE.
Go on. Tell me I’m snarky and jealous. You’re totally right. Everyone else always jumps on all the good ideas. Then Piper is left with nothing, just her desire to lip-sync rap songs on YouTube, which will earn her nothing.
My two-year old daughter is in love with The Wiggles. There are four episodes On Demand right now and we’ve watched each one at least, oh…FORTY BILLION TIMES. I know all the damn songs by heart and I even know which Wiggle wears which color of shirt and their individual personality idiosyncracies. Beatty even mentioned the other day that he thought the Yellow Wiggle was definitely the best singer of the group. Our brains are melting.
Then I looked on Wikipedia. Did you know that Anthony Field (Blue Wiggle) and Jeff Fatt (Purple Wiggle) were in some Australian punk rock band together in college…and they met the other dudes because they were studying to be early education specialists? (What??) They have also now been around for TWENTY YEARS.
They have this very bizarre cast of characters. Dorothy the Dinosaur (the dumbest looking dinosaur you’ve ever seen), Henry the Octopus (who is so very obviously a person dancing on their legs with five fake foam arms flopping around his waist) and Captain Feathersword, a crazed, overly friendly pirate who calls everyone “me hearties” and waves this crazy French tickler apparatus around instead of a real sword that is sharp and dangerous.
In the second picture, you’ll notice the Yellow Wiggle is a different dude. He was a stand-in. The real one took a break for a few years for health reasons. Anyway. But now he’s back! And since he’s back, let’s honor the Wiggles like the good adults we are and answer this very important question:
(it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, you have to answer)
If you had to choose one Wiggle to sleep with, which would it be?
I would totally bone the Blue Wiggle. He sort of does it for me.