I promise this is the last time I am going to mention HOW MUCH I threw up in Georgia. Like so much that all I threw up for 48 hours was yellow stomach bile.
I threw up so much that I think I messed up my jaw muscles. The left side of my jaw has hurt for at least ten days, so much in the beginning that I could barely chew on that left side for a few days. I guess it was overworked from the perpetual open-mouth stance over-the-toilet-action it endured for four days.
The fact that my jaw hurts makes me think of a time back in college when I was a pledge. There was this group of seniors in my sorority house that were so fucking cool – I would just go over to the house and lay in their rooms and listen to them talk and watch them smoke cigarettes and blow smoke out the windows. Most of them were from St. Louis, but one of them was this little tiny mouthy broad from Arkansas.
Wait. I think she was from Arkansas. Doesn’t matter.
We will call this little ballsy broad Mary. Just for privacy’s sake.
Anyhow, on one particular visit, Mary was up in her room, with me hanging out on her bed, and she was complaining about her jaw and how it hurt so bad and she couldn’t close her teeth all the way. I innocently asked her why her jaw was hurting so much, and she frankly told me that she was giving her very tall Lamda Chi boyfriend a blowjob and her wee little mouth was just stretched wide open for WAY TOO LONG.
So the analytical part of me, and being an innocent freshman and all, thought – WELL, I CAN FIX THAT. So I told Mary that I could. And in that moment, I believed I could. So she marched over and I stood next to her wee little self and in her raspy voice she said, “OK, do it!!!” So I grabbed her by the face, my palms on either side of her jaw and I just yanked quickly from left to right. I mean, HARD. And I felt something pop back into place.
Then Mary backed away and opened and closed her mouth a few times and she smiled broadly. “It’s fixed!!” she croaked in her smoker’s voice.
“It feels SO MUCH BETTER!”
We all laughed in amazement. Pride and delight surged up in my little freshman soul.
And then those seniors loved me a little bit more for being as ballsy as Mary, and allowed me to hang out in their room and smoke cigarettes and blow the smoke out the window, and listen to them gossip about fraternity boys and other certain sorority girls…and they also now would make it a mission to find a suitable fake ID when taking their freshman pledge Piper to a bar.
Hidden talents and false beliefs of curing powers can sometimes work to your advantage. Besides, you should never, ever leave your sisters hanging.