White Lines

May 15, 2013 by 2 Comments

So…our newest Rap Moms video.

I like to think that Bianca Jagger danced at Studio 54 to this song.  With cocaine smeared all over her face and her skirt riding up her sweaty thighs and showing off the awesomeness of her without any panties on.

Which may or may not be correct, and of course I haven’t checked my dates on when the song was published, but I bet I’m right when I say that Bianca Jagger didn’t wear underpants to Studio 54.

I do need to tell you that Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are FUCKING IMPORTANT.  And this song should be one that the youngsters of today boogie around to at school dances – just like us forty-somethings do at weddings.  Almost every wedding DJ I’ve experienced in my life spins this song.  I’m not saying they shouldn’t,  because Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five were the FIRST hip-hop group ever to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

So they deserve to be played at weddings.

Anyway, I just checked my facts on Wikipedia, and since “White Lines” was released in 1983, and Studio 54 shut down in 1981, it’s impossible that Bianca was gyrating to the song.  But maybe she gyrated to “White Lines” at a loft party in Manhattan or something.

Please enjoy our new video.  And I want to give a big thanks and shout out to Andy Samberg, who inspired the concept of this video with his hilarious song “Great Day” on YouTube.  I had been wanting to do “White Lines” for a long time, and when I saw his video, it was like a sonic boom in my brain – THERE WE GO!  POWDER ON THE FACE!  AND CRAZY MOMS TWEAKING!

Thanks, Andy and The Lonely Island crew.  Now would you please post our rap video as a video response on your channel??

 

Filed Under: Just Plain Awesomeness, Things I Love a Little Too Much, Ways I Embarrass My Family Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lord of the Idiots

May 12, 2013 by 3 Comments

The other night a few of us were out having drinks at Gracie’s, and when I pulled my wallet out of my purse a certain someone at the table yelled, “WHOA, COSTANZA!!”.

I was slightly confused and it took me a short minute to remember what Costanza’s wallet actually looked like.

costanza-and-wallet-1_0 costanza-wallet-2_0

Then my jaw dropped open and and I hollered, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?   I won’t give away who this person was that called me out, but I will tell you that I didn’t buy her any drinks that night.

HA!!

When the table was laughing at my new nickname, some of them started pulling stuff out of its many hiding places for inspection.  I looked down at my bulging, 15-year old wallet and the small, reasonable section of my brain understood.

I guess my big wallet is a little out of style.  And I guess I keep too much shit in it.  It’s pretty damn fat.

piper-wallet-1_0 piper-wallet-2_0

I actually thought I was doing pretty well on the wallet front.  I mean, I just recently cleaned that sucker out and threw away LOTS of punch cards, receipts, business and credit cards that I hadn’t used in at least three years.  The table also laughed when Stacia pulled out some credit cards that were still hiding in there in which I HAVEN’T EVEN ACTIVATED.  Like they still have the stickers on the front and everything.

I guess I will never use a Kohl’s card or a Mervyn’s card or a Dillard’s card.  Come to think of it, I don’t think Mervyn’s is even in business any more.

I keep my old wallet because I figured that in terms of fashion, a wallet is very low on the totem pole of importance, unless you are carrying it in your hand instead of a purse.  That’s why I love the purse I got from Cami.  It holds LOTS OF SHIT, like wet wipes, sixty pens, twenty tubes of lipstick, rolls of Sweet Tarts, and iPod, a bag of nuts, and my big-ass wallet.  And there’s room to spare!

camilla-combs-magenta-bag

Maybe this is a good excuse to re-organize.  I can go out and buy three new smaller wallets.  Then I can put money in one, credit cards in the other, and my various plots to save myself money in the third.  I can’t say no to a punch card.  I just can’t do it.

And after reading all about George Costanza on Wikipedia (just as a refresher, you know…and I am kind of obsessed with Wikipedia), I am going to be proud to be compared to that neurotic little sucker.  I really, really love how he calls himself the “Lord of the Idiots”.

That’s so awesome.

If I am going to be somewhat of an apprentice Lord of the Idiots, I think this says a lot about the people who I hang out with.  Yes, YOU GUYS.

There’s no shame in our game, peeps.  It’s totally OK.

Let’s all revel in our idiotic stature, and lead our fiefdom of hapless subjects with pride in our lunacy and confidence that, in the end, we will WIN.  Because those Cafe Rio punch cards will get us a FREE burrito the size of Rhode Island.  And you never know…Mervyn’s may re-open someday.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Why You Should Be My Friend Tagged With: , , , ,

April in Images

May 4, 2013 by 3 Comments

I had to ask someone last night what month it is right now.  I wasn’t kidding.  I honestly didn’t know.  I think this is a good indicator that I am in a confused and overloaded state of mind.  The month of April sucked big hairy donkey dongers.  It was like a month of rainstorms and crying and little demons pecking at your nipples with razor-blade spears dipped in Tiger Balm.  THAT SHIT HURT.

April was painful.

I am insanely glad that April is over, but now that we are a few days into May I can reflect a bit and say that there were some good moments.  Funny moments.  Great moments.  And lots of learning.  When I was too sad or overwhelmed to talk, I pulled out my phone and caught bits of life.  While looking at my April Instagram pictures, I see that I caught a lot of laughter and oddball things.  Which is life.  And purely me.

So I really haven’t lost much, after all.

Here are my favorites from the month of April, including the one where my son was “counting” the ways he was going to prank me and happened to count number one on his middle finger, as well as my personal best impression of Patty Hearst.

It is a sad, sad day if you have no idea who Patty Hearst is.

I also like the cabbage booger hanging out of my nose at one of my new favorite restaurants, Sapa.  We have to see a few pics of the baby Easter chicks who have now grown up to be smelly teenagers, and I had to throw in another picture of how insanely long my friend Stacia’s tongue is.  Almost as long as mine.

sloan-pink-shirt ski-girls beatty-yelling teenage-chickens stacia-piper-long-tongue sloan-mommy-mountains rooster sloan-baseball piper-in-electric-car old-yeller beatty-middle-finger patty-hearst nina-sloan-funny-face melissa-big-mountain nina-jen-sloan leaning-fence lev-at-easter kids-on-wall cabbage-booger beatty-the-bushman emily-stacia-piper beattys-hole funeral-flowers

 

Let’s all say goodbye to April and hello to sunny May.

Thank you for not deserting me after this month of pathetically low posts.

I’m going to let the darkness of April go away and focus on the many positives:  I have a beautiful new kitchen to cook in, my sister and I (and our families) are united in helping my mom get through chemo, summer is almost here, my kids are happy, I have new business ventures on the horizon, and my best friend is GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

Just when you think you can’t be surprised much anymore, the universe rocks your world and sends you a new present which you will get to kiss and hold in about six months.  I am absolutely over the moon.  And I am very much stumping for her to name the baby Piper if it is a girl.  Because a Piper always thinks there should be more Pipers around to take pictures of cabbage stuck up their nose.

In conclusion, breast cancer and the death of friends can all just go FUCK OFF.

 

Filed Under: Just Plain Awesomeness, Uncategorized, Why You Should Be My Friend
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